The Rising Din

Complications

2012-02-14T14:39:00.000-06:00

Nothing makes life better than unnecessary drama creeping up out of nowhere.
It makes life interesting and unexpected. Especially when I've become quite adept at handling it.
Communication can either be a beautiful and collaborative work of art or a lonely, dark place.

Either can be the result of a simple choice to keep the bigger picture in mind and check your ego

or not.

Bon Iver wins the Grammy for Best New Artist

2012-02-13T10:55:00.000-06:00

I was introduced to his music several years ago, shortly after his For Emma record was released (I think).

To me it set the bar for modern American folk music and Justin Vernon continues to do so.
I don't like every single thing he does. Bon Iver (the 2nd album) took a long time to grow on me.

Anyhow - I don't know if he really deserved this award but I really appreciate how he called out
this shit awards ceremony for the elitist, music choking soap opera that it is. He also refused to play the show because of his integrity and he STILL won the award for best new artist. ...Even after he went on record sharing his opinions about the Grammys!

That's having 1) Amazingly huge brass ones and 2) a quality product.

Music isn't treated like this all the time and it's good to see the "real" good stuff recognized. Vernon's acceptance speech was great, too.

Congrats to him.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/02/13/bon-iver-grammys_n_1272975.html

A Diamond in the Shit

2012-02-01T14:59:00.000-06:00

			Young
		Unprepared,		Impatient
	Fights,		Complains,		Quits
Mother,		House,		Questions,		Fear
	Explains,		Manages,		Stresses
		Unyielding,		Steadfast
			Old

Anti-anxiety

2012-01-31T13:19:00.004-06:00

I found a bottle with your name on it.

It was prescribed on 8/28/2011. Just over a month before you died.

Another red flag that you knew what was coming and were scared out of your mind.

Because you never took that stuff.

They gave you 4 refills - crazy since you weren't going to be around that long.

It saddens me that you were so utterly alone as you died.

It's part of the basket weave of emotions that line my skull.

I still see you with your greenish eyes and your drawn cheeks.

Huffing for air as you struggled to take the oxygen off.

I see the muck of swallowed pain medication lining your teeth.

I still hear you calling out Jesus' name in between shallow breaths.

Your situation was so utterly pathetic:

Your brothers and sisters had been alienated by pride and circumstance
- and the inability to forgive.

I can't put a finger on who's fault it was, though I know who you cursed
with the last of your oxygen.

You alienated me for years for reasons I'll never know other than you
"didn't know how to be a Dad".

33 years of experience and nothing to show for it? A frightful future for myself, indeed.

And although you carried your wife and daughter along as they bit and cursed you
- you alienated them, too.

I remember this alongside the wonderful things said about you by your friends.

The eulogies, the well-wishes, the heart-warming stories that caused lumps in many throats.

Yet those people, in whom you invested your love and friendship, weren't there at the end.

If they were, it was because we told them to come - Because I told them to come.

Otherwise, you would have died alone with your wife.
Drowning in lung fluid and piss - refusing to give up.

If only that resolve were applied earlier in your life to other things
that were equally as important.

This bottle should be refilled for me four times for every time I think about you.

But not for anxiety - it should be something that can untangle the basket weave in my skull.

It should be something to keep me from saying "I told you so" to your widow and daughter.

They now live in a constant state of fear - trepidation because I won't fill your shoes.

I am the representation of their worst fears because they have been coddled too much.

My expectations are too high and I communicate them too hard. Too fast. Too often.

And as they fight with each other, making their situation worse,
I have less and less pity for them.

Though I will always empathize. I will always know why they are where they are.

And I won't feel guilty for where I am.
There have always been choices for them as there were for me.

There was always an opportunity to make things better.
But everyone just would rather give up everyday.

I wish I had the pleasure of not doing what needs to be done. So maybe I do need the Xanax.

Either way, I'll need something after Mom dies. Cause you both set me up in a big, big way.

And I don't have the luxury of checking out for the rest of my life like the both of you did.

But I'm grateful to know that I won't be dying alone in a dark house, full of junk -

And what a metaphor that is.

What's more important

2012-01-11T19:39:00.000-06:00

Lately I've been finding a lot of inspiration in Bon Iver's music and words.
I don't claim to understand a goddamn thing he says in his lyrics.
But, then again, art isn't meant for everyone to understand.
I look at what I write and wonder if I fall into the same category.
Or if what I do is utter hackery; creative plagiarism.
I don't think a person's inner voice can be uneducated.
But I certainly think that educated people are often full of themselves.
Or shit.
Either or.
Either way, what I do resonates with me and that's what counts.
I don't expect to be praised for my volumes of prose.
But someone will come along one day and read them, by accident if nothing else.
And wonder what the hell was going on in my brain.
If that were to happen, with just one person, I would be accomplished.

Freemasons and Architects...and blackheads.

2012-01-11T10:13:00.002-06:00

WYSIWYG

2012-01-06T15:13:00.001-06:00

Around the roots and through the glass
I never said that change was a blast
Though he rocked and rolled, he lost
Sixty years disappears in a flash
Simply not enough bricks in those walls

Somewhere out there lies the morning
The highway blocks daylight from forming
I saw his pain when I came over
And I saw his storm stop storming
I stopped pulling petals from the clover

The wrinkles in his brow told me
Just how lost he felt that knowing
Time is fluid but always out of reach
"She can't lose her one and only
But the tide will rip a castle from the beach"

Around the glass and through the roots
He admitted the truth that he always knew
In Houston the dream fades away softly
In between wood and fire he'll start anew
How he'll make it work is simply beyond me

Time is a tool in which we work our magic
To lose your dream is nothing less than tragic
But all you'll need is to lie down and sleep
And pull another trunk out of your bony attic
It's up to you, what promises will you keep?

I've had enough of lying to myself at night
Argue with a daydream and see who wins the fight
Pull all your desires together and slip them on
Try as you may, try as you fucking might
Maybe the next part of your life has begun?

If I knew a prophet I'd spend less time thinking
If I knew a mogul I'd spend more time shrinking
I'll turn the map upside down and drive backwards
But I won't waste any more time blinking
And using a black pen to write down black words

Turning corners, turning over, turning around
Looking for a piece of my own fucking ground
The most bitter pills in life are mandatory
But in my frustration, in my rage I've found
Sometimes the hardest things are the best for me

What is Too Much to Ask?

2011-12-28T12:53:00.001-06:00

Making changes before they change me
Staying ahead of the fire that tickles my feet
It's my smoldering footprints that threaten
They ignite my past and erase me

Here I run, through the wilderness inside
Smoke and sundering trees, my cover uncovered
Not a time for waiting around, I've heard
Hands over eyes, mind opened wide

It all burns as I close my eyes at night
Shuddering as my dreams flex their might
Dead dogs, patriarchs, and body bags made of tarps
He waits to sleep in the river while in a black jar

Irregular and persistent, uncontrollable
Stomping on every single fucking crack I cross
Breaking backs and spending Benjamins, woeful
Pissing on these fires after shooting kerosene

The Meadows is so far away, a telescopic memory
Eyelashes bat against the lens they obscure me
Microscopic glimpses into the past, I am Lazarus
Make no mistake, between us there is no parity

Pulling myself to pieces for everyone to share
Potato peeling and cheese grating - behold, I am bare!
Take what you want because I know you don't care
But the warmth of my heart will be a coat you'll never wear

I've had enough, I said that's enough for me
The vacuums pull, sucking up the untouched trees
I've decided no longer to address it chemically
But in the Wishing Well, my quarters still ignore me

In an evening, I watch myself paint our home with love
The bricks are on the way, they have yet to be laid
Another couple dates with a falcon, maybe then
I'll box up this house and keep my heart open

I'll make this change before it makes me
Forgetting the lessons I was taught at age three
Open the box, I am the mysterious cat
What you find when opened isn't a guarantee

Just to settle in with my angels in heaven
It's where the heart is, for me more than anyone
Aside the Wishing Well, beside the Moon
And always feeling farther and farther from The Son

Just some time to sit and think, to sit and breathe
Surround myself with the peace that lies within our bricks
Whatever it takes to stay away from the vacuums
Who pull my forest down before I burn it with my feet

The beginning of the end

2011-12-02T12:19:00.001-06:00

The government has just granted itself the authority to indefinitely detain and torture any American suspected of terrorism.It's over.

Changes

2011-11-18T12:53:00.001-06:00

since the leaves on the ground cloud the way
the directions wont match a thing i say
most often i expect you to see my soul
and use your arms to keep me whole
its a dance that ends up pushing you away

Anyway

2011-11-17T11:50:00.002-06:00

I'm experiencing an abnormal amount of stress and uncertainty. It's difficult for me to stay on top of everything. This is what people have to deal with during times like these, I suppose.
When this is all said and done, I will be a very changed person and I am in total control of what those changes will be. My only hope is that my wonderful support structure at home continues to be my strength and those who are not helping me are able to get out of my way before it's too late...or get their shit together. Either way, something is going to give.

I have no examples before me except martyrdom and sacrifice. Thanks to the environment I was raised in, I know I will not be fully appreciated for my sacrifice. Therefore, I will not be martyring myself as those who have gone before me. Why should I perform in such a fashion and ruin the the comfort and stability of my home? For what purpose should I rise to this occasion unconditionally while neglecting my immediate family? Where is the payoff? MY morality is sound...and doing right by someone does not mean the same as doing the right thing. Because these are subjective terms and no one is the authority on what is "right" in my situation. The opinions, shared and uttered, I wade through as much as I wade through someone else's mishandled life; their debts and skeletons dancing a waltz inside my mind. I am lucky that Ritalin and indifference burned a hole in my brain.

I was raised, and medicated, to be a stoic and ambivalent person: a persecution of excitement and joviality. My behavior definitely became easier to control, that's for sure, although I can only assume that was the intention...and the result is what you see here: A man who struggles to identify with his emotional side in order to more deeply connect with his world and the people around him; to not alienate himself from his family and community as he observed his parental examples do over the years. My mind wanders all the time, still. The Ritalin...the Cylert...did nothing to help the fact that my mind holds fantastic and wonderful alternate universes.

Presently, I dream of a Universe where someone never became hooked to pain medication or alcohol; where they learned when to say "enough is enough" and make a smart life choice. I dream of a strand in time where my father looked past today for fuck's sake. They learned to share of themselves and communicate their fears and desires. They worked to better themselves. They were determined to leave their World better than when they came into it.

Because now I have to paint his fucking house and fix the garage that I broke 20 years ago. I have to clear the crap he collected out of the house that he allowed to fall into disrepair. I have to consistently reassure people who are unable to find peace within themselves while doing my best to avoid enabling co-dependent relationships based upon selfishness and never-ending demands. I see myself in the problems that I deal with and struggle with my own life's decisions. I worked so hard to stay out of the trenches dug by my family and they crawled out just long enough to reach for me and drag me down. Reach for me but beware of my free hand that holds the shovel. While it is good for digging holes, it is also equally adept and cleaving flesh from bone.

Unlike the lot of you, my promises are not empty.

Smoke and Fog

2011-10-28T21:15:00.032-05:00

"My spirituality is best described, rather defined, as a sublime ignorance. I don't know, none of us do. I just embrace it." he said.
"The Divine entity that we call "God" is, what I like to think, a being who is the highest exponent of Humanity. The end. Human to the Nth power. In order to come close to understanding the Divine, Humans would have to be truly great in all their actions - for generations. After that, who knows? It's something Humans may never fully understand." Chars sighed.
He looked down, stroked his white beard and began pacing slowly. Chars was halfway down his bookshelf when he straightened and raised a fist above his head.
"But even if there were no "understanding", there'd still be peace and harmony, goodwill, and love for eternity. I mean, isn't that what everyone thinks the Divine is? Does it need to be more complicated than that? I don't think so. That's why I've decided to understand the Divine's existence through love and by being great. After all, in the Divine's grace there are still moments of weakness, are there not?" Chars was slightly out of breath, but pleased with himself. However, his confidence wore off quickly as he began to sink inside himself. He broke eye contact as his eyes darted. His lip began to tremble "However, my weakness is greater." Chars turned away and continued down his bookshelf. He looked at the floor as he passed his books. He cleared his throat.
A glowing light emerged from within the bookshelf, as if a doorway were there. It glided through the bookshelf, from behind, and into the room. It paused right behind Chars and began moving in the opposite direction. The outline of a face and body could barely be discerned inside the radiance. They were like dueling gentlemen who counted their paces before turning and firing. The being of light stopped and stared hard, straight ahead.
"Weakness is an acceptable variable in a sea of endless data." it said. "What motivates those weaknesses, and how one overcomes them, is what affects the evolution of Humanity. The underlying problem with Humans is their inability to remember their past, their unwillingness to see themselves in the present, all while constantly day-dreaming of their future." The being hovered as it shimmered with a golden and blinding white aura. It was more of a glowing mass than a humanoid. However, appendages could be seen in brief glimpses as the light rippled. It was like a condensed star or sun. "If we could have made changes at an earlier place in time, in an other universe, we would have. That is our weakness." it said.
Chars stopped walking and spoke without turning around. "In my elongated lifetime, I corrected almost every error in the Human DNA strand. What has always eluded me is the programming of Ego. I have never found a way to eliminate Ego so that it may be controlled." he said quietly with conviction.
The being, who was watching Chars' back, returned his gaze forward. "That's what you have consistently neglected all this time. The reason why Ego has never been corrected in your experiments is because you never corrected it in yourselves first. You have no perspective in that regard, Chars." the light said condescendingly. "And that is why we have been forced to intervene."
Chars scoffed "Nonsense. Crossing into other dimensions or universes doesn't make you superior. We still destroyed you in the end."
"Is that so, Chars? You may want to re-think your idea of time." it responded.
Slowly the being drifted back through and behind the bookshelf. Chars remained standing with his head down as the room faded to black.

Epilogue

2011-10-11T11:20:00.003-05:00

Now that you're gone, I feel like you never had cancer in the first place.
I feel like you're still over on your side of the world, forgetting to pick up the phone.
However, you told me yourself that you don't know how to be a dad.
It gave me all the room in the world to forgive you and start our relationship over
and I can't express how grateful I am that you called me on our very last phone call.
You said "I figured I'd start calling you for a change, son." and I'm glad I got one.

It feels like you never died.
It feels like nothing has changed and we still suck at being a family.
But then I remind myself of this huge mess you have left me and I try not to get mad.
I try not to let my fondness of our last few weeks be cast aside by resentment.
But I told you this was going to happen.
For three years, I told you and begged you to be the father I needed you to be.
So it goes...
I feel that the only way to be loved by you was to have you proud of me.
So I am working hard to be loved by you even though your heart has stopped.

Another blessing in this is that the pain I have felt since August left when you died.
I hope that's how you feel up there, too.
And I hope you can see the mess I am wading through.
The mess I said I would never deal with, yet here I am.
I just wish you would visit me with your newly found universal wisdom.
It would be nice to know that after death, your Earthly issues would be erased
and that souls are truly immortal and timeless.

But I won't count on it.
I'll just plan on you being the same, non-communicative soul as you were in life.
And I'm OK with that, I guess.
It's what I know. It's what I've become used to.
What I am not used to is pretending to be you.
I won't fight your fights, nor will I address issues and people the way you did.
I won't enable fucked up stuff to continue in this family.
For some, that will be good.
For others, it won't be so good.
When they pray to you and lament at what a cold-hearted bastard I am, it'll be because of you.
When they pray to you and praise me for my maturity and warm-hearted nature, it'll because of me.

So let me make one thing clear, since this might be the last time I write about you:
My love for you as a son is more obligatory than it is a nurtured, healthy love.
You never gave me the chance to really know you as a person and that's disappointing.
Even as you died, you fought for your own way - you told us all to shut up and leave you alone.
I can only hope that your attitude has been adjusted somewhat.
But you should watch as I manage this mess:
I am doing it my way, whether you like it or not.
You should have chosen another path.
You should have prepared.
You should have talked to me.
But through all my frustration and resolve, I still love you.

Now that you've died, you can't dodge change any more.
The best you can do is sit on the sidelines and watch from afar.
Just like I had to.
Now watch me do what you wouldn't.

...In a Car With No Brakes

2011-10-04T23:02:00.001-05:00

I can't keep it all in my head
It's amazing that you did all this time
Once this is over, I don't know how I will feel about you
I just hope that I don't take my frustration out on your memory

Sometimes love isn't enough to compensate
Especially considering everything resting on me now
You let me get myself into this and didn't tell me enough
Now I sort through the weeds of bad decisions and stubbornness

I hope I make it through before I abandon ship
Cause I am not going down with it

I'll be there soon

2011-09-27T17:53:00.000-05:00

It's moving too fast for me to keep up. Before I know it, you'll be gone.

Yesterday, you told Mom that we had talked. You said I had told you that I am coming
to get you so that I can take you to the water, in Austin. This was hard to hear since we never talked yesterday.

It's bizarre that you talked with me inside your mind and I assured you that I would come for you. The me inside your mind and the me that exists outside are in sync, for certain. While I understand what you are experiencing is part of the dying process, it's almost too much for me to bear. It's too much that I bring you comfort even when I am not there and I curse myself for not having made enough time. Although, I am lucky that I have been able to help you with the time that we have had.

The idea that you might be waiting for me to come get you fills me with a pride and purpose that I haven't felt before. I just hope that you can wait for me just a little bit longer. Just 2 more days.

Just hang on for 2 more days and I will be home. Then, if you want, we'll go to Austin together.

I promise.

Too fast, too soon

2011-09-21T13:47:00.001-05:00

As time progresses, and I become lost in my stress, I think about how horrible this must be to you. I know you don't want to die now. I know you don't want to leave us behind like this. I know. I can't imagine the fear, frustration, and hopelessness you feel. It must be equally as potent as my anger and despair as I watch you waste away before my eyes.

I feel like I should have pushed you more to be prepared. I feel that I should be better equipped to help you now. I feel that of all my personal preparation I have neglected the worst case scenario for you. I never imagined that cancer would be eating you up this fast. I can't help feeling like I should be doing more and sacrificing everything to keep you comfortable and healthy.

But I can't. I am just as stuck as you are, only I am having to watch you die. For that, I can't apologize enough. The best I can do is take care of your wife and daughter in the best way possible. It's more than I would give anyone else on this Earth, but it's still not enough. For that, I'm sorry.

I just wish I had the money and the ability to keep you from suffering so much as you transcend this reality. I work through the guilt every day and will continue to for the rest of my life. But I take solace in knowing that I can at least do my best to take care of the family for you. If only there were some way to make it all work now...

The past 32 years have always been a question for me in regard to our relationship but I can't be grateful enough for the time we are spending together now. It erases all the hurt and questions I have carried. My inner child has forgiven during this process, almost in a catharsis, and the emerging adult in me rises to meet it's moral obligation.

Now that you are so close to being gone forever, I just want it to hurry up. I want this over with so that you can float among the stars like you have always day-dreamed. I want you among the stars so that when I look up in search of UFO's I'll know that you're up there seeing them.

But throughout this whole process I will love you and hope that when you return to the Cosmos, you will smile down on me. And be sure not to visit Jupiter before I do. I want to do that together.

Love you, Dad.

Ron Paul 2012 - because none the other "top tier" candidates have demonstrated true leadership

2011-09-15T10:42:00.001-05:00

There is no question that Ron Paul is a threat to business as usual in politics and the media. He represents and ideological shift in our country. Whether or not Ron Paul is elected, the things he says should reverberate and resonate in each of us - and inspire us to want something better. If you don't believe what he says, compare his voting record with ANY of the other candidates. Compare what he has said and done with the governors in this race. Ask yourself whether or not your personal desires are more important than the health of our nation as a whole. You voted for change but got more of the same. What was that saying that G.W. said about fooling him?

Reason #56

2011-09-12T15:55:00.001-05:00

After you're gone, there won't be any way for us to work on our relationship.

Reason #1

2011-09-12T15:54:00.003-05:00

I don't know if you will understand me in time. I don't know if I will know you in time.

Reason #24

2011-09-12T15:53:00.001-05:00

While I may say that working out your end-of-life plans is my catharsis, I can't describe just exactly how far from the truth that is.

Reason #86

2011-09-12T15:51:00.001-05:00

I don't feel like I'm ready to handle it all on my own.

Reason #123

2011-09-12T15:50:00.001-05:00

Of all the disgruntled electricians in the world, I only have patience for your impatience.

Reason #234

2011-09-12T15:47:00.002-05:00

When I have a problem with your amp, I won't be able to call you for help.

It Just Keeps Getting Better

2011-09-07T15:58:00.003-05:00

I don’t want relief to pour from the sky
I’d rather see rain
I’d rather see rain fall and darken the ground
It would at least line up with the cloud
that’s cast an even a darker shadow
over everything in our lives
again
—
Relief is intangible and subjective, anyway, isn’t it?
It’s true: even if this shit were all washed away
It wouldn’t make anything any better for anyone, anyhow
So bring me rain - at least that’s real. Measurable
Irrefutable
—
Rain can be appreciated without needing to think about it
That’s more than I can say for relief
Because we all know that you’ll never, ever be satisfied
and the black hole inside your chest will just move on
positioning you nearest to the brightest lights
so they may be lost forever
—
I’ll take rain. I’ll take it however I can get it
Because I know that it’s pure, has no selfish agenda
and doesn’t mind if I appreciate it or not
It just exists. It just is
Which is how I will be until this whole fucking mess is over with
—
And for what it’s worth, I’m sorry

I need more than 10-23 watts

2011-09-07T15:57:00.003-05:00

It’s hard to find focus on one thing
when there are ten that demand it
When I focus and accomplish something
I am reminded of the 9 somethings that I haven’t
and curse myself for being unfocused
—-
Time will fly by as the flesh falls away
And our lives fast-forward ten years too soon
I don’t feel sadness from obligation or duty nor
from guilt or regret and the thought of lost time
I feel empathy surge through me every time
you adjust yourself to breathe or sit comfortably
—-
I don’t have anger towards anyone or any ethereal being
But I am upset that there was no preparation for this
I’ve already learned what I think the big lesson is here:
To never put off to tomorrow what must be dealt with today
Because there is never enough time when there isn’t enough time
—-
I won’t be broken by this the way you two were
I’ll do my best to do what’s right until what’s right doesn’t work
But when my soul rejoins the Cosmos I will seek you both
I hope that my oneness with the Universe will help me communicate
how utterly hopeless your bad decisions have made me

Adenocarcinoma

2011-09-07T13:18:00.003-05:00

Don't forget to breathe
Perception < reality
There are still blessings

Ron Paul stuff deleted

2011-07-05T16:03:00.001-05:00

I'm still very pro-Ron Paul...I just don't have the time to keep it up.

Fatigue

2011-06-30T14:51:00.001-05:00

As amazed as I am, I shouldn't be
Cyclical behavior causes cyclical events
I wouldn't be surprised at all if I were still a pessimist
You are leaving this town just as you came here:
Absorbed in your own life and not concerned with any of your actions
You're not concerned about your friends or your family as far as I can tell

I would communicate these issues to you but I already know
that I would be met with defensiveness and transferrence
And after our last conversation I am positive that you
will tell me what I want to hear so that I don't say anything
You surround yourself with people who don't know you and
listen to them as if they know your self-destructive behavior
The unfortunate thing is that I have worked so hard to open your
eyes to who you are in the world that you barrel through
And I have been met with personal attacks to my character
You still consider my wife and I adversaries despite what
we have sacrificed for you

Your inconsistency is yours to carry but I have become so
tired of it affecting my life and the relationship you have with your niece
It makes me sad that in 4 years, you've only been reliable for 6 months
And that during that time you have done nothing but complain about how
the man you chose to live with has brought your life to a halt
Life's all about the choices that you make, not the events you fail to overcome

It's not like you want to leave. You've just fucked up your life to the
point where you have to run. Again.
Just as I started to trust and rely on you, you became evasive
inconsiderate, and preoccupied with the problems you have created
in your life
You throw your personal shit at me as if it should absolve you and pacify me
I'm done with that shit. I've had enough of it. I am over it.

So as you go back to the shit you left behind and try to make that work again,
I hope you find the enlightenment that you have been faking this whole time
I hope that the bullshit you have gone through somehow sticks and you decide
that you won't ever go there again
But the fact of the matter is, as much as you have focused on your own needs,
you have neglected true introspection
That's because you don't listen to the people who know you best
Up to this point I have done my best to be the objective introspection
that you have been lacking. I am done with it. I am over it. I have had enough.
As much as I have made myself available to you and your problems
I feel you have let me down
As much as I have felt our talks have been substantial and eye-opening
the truth is that you have just been biding your time until your next breakdown:
The time where you have fucked things up so bad you have to pack
your shit and get the hell out of dodge
Well, good luck, Via con dios
I'm over it

The Momentum of Flowing Energy

2011-06-14T14:42:00.000-05:00

Where so far that none have offered guidance
Internal mirrors provide objectivity
No one remembers that maintenance and care
Provide the best reflections
Without awareness, without introspection
We close our eyes to opportunities
And a part of us slumbers forever
But if stirred, that untapped portion
Is the driving force behind conscious
Evolution
The momentum of that flowing energy
Erases everything before it's arrival and
Makes our futures unknowable and mysterious
Choices then unfold or unravel
And possibilities multiply
But only if we acknowledge our faults
And work to make good on our mistakes

When Should I Go

2011-06-01T14:38:00.000-05:00

This was a song I wrote for a band I was in a very, very long time ago.

Im so tired of playing this old game
When I already know that you'll win
I get down and I think to myself
Tonight, I'm gonna sleep alone again

Oh, how happy we would be
If we could just maintain a little harmony
Oh, how happy you and I would be
If we could just maintain a little harmony

Im so sick of thinking of you and I
And I'm wondering which one of us is living a lie
Do you know how it feels to be
The one who sees all of your negativity?

Oh, how happy we would be
If we could just maintain a little harmony
Oh, how happy you and I would be
If we could just maintain a little harmony

We both know it takes a lot of work
To keep both of us from feeling like both of us are always getting hurt
Well you know this life goes by so goddamn fast
That sooner or later our love is gonna be just a thing of the past

Oh how happy we would be
If we could just maintain a little harmony
Oh how happy you and I would be
If we could just maintain a little harmony

Oh, tell me why
Because I need to know
What's the story, please?
When should I go?

The Rapture 2011(-ish)

2011-05-22T10:04:00.000-05:00

So, I really haven't been paying attention to this whole Rapture mess that had been spreading around the World lately.

Reason being is that it's complete bullshit and "warning" people doesn't do a damn thing. I don't really believe in the idea of a divine rapture, anyway. It's too much. It's far easier to believe that the Rapture is a metaphor for alien invasion or intervention. We can all agree that the Bible is a series of metaphors and stories, right? Equivalent to the Epic of Gligamesh, yes? A Creation myth by all accounts, no? Well, if you don't agree, that's your right.

Anyhow so when I think of people ascending to the stars, I think of Close Encounters: Blue lights, EMP overloads, panic, confusion, honey dripping on my face, compasses freaking out, etc...'Cause really, is there any other occasion where people have ascended to the stars by a Holy Elevator? Maybe we are all sinners and NONE of us got to ascend. Maybe the End Times are here now and we have ALL pissed God off?

Let's face it: Those who put stock in Eternal Salvation via the end of the World are really just selfish sadists. They have justified their religious superiority as they have razed the World all while preaching the End Times were near. Their crimes against Humanity are almost impossible to calculate - especially as much of their sins were never documented. But through this all, they have consistently regurgitated this misconception of the Rapture and how all of us non-believers will be punished, severely, for seven years before Christ comes to save us. Because, they are all certain that after seven years we will have had enough and turn ourselves around. Seven years of assorted plagues, diseases, and war - this is supposed to draw people in and start believing in Christ? "You will believe or we will MAKE you believe!!".

Well, I don't buy it. Christ's teachings and people living as examples were to inspire people to be and live better, to live in harmony with their World and those around them. Christ was supposed to be the Beacon of light and our Savior from Sin. So, really, I feel that this End War is either strictly for drama's sake or a complete contradiction and a lie. Forget not understanding, as I am sure that the reasoning is completely beyond my meaty brain's capacity, it really just doesn't make any sense.

Why would an all powerful God only take a portion to Heaven and allow Satan to torture the rest? Is this really just a re-visit to Job? Whatever. I think it's crap. I think the Rapture and Revalations are tools to convince the dregs who aren't impressed by Goodwill Towards Men, and all that stuff. Actually, it isn't that - the targets are people who just don't believe in Christ. "You don't believe in me? Then I will make you pay!!".

That's a tough sell.

That's why I prefer to believe the Rapture has more to do with Aliens than God. Alien intervention just seems more likely to me. Plus, we have had many more sightings of Aliens than Christ, right? Of course, there are those who have died and come back with beautiful stories of Christ and his love. But, I am more inclined to believe that was their conscious minds being affected by their sub-conscious. Whatever.

The bottom line is that you should be a good person to yourself, those around you, and your environment. You should lift others up by your help and encouragement and impact other people as you would have them impact you. You should always do your best to be the best you can.

If you don't understand that and need other people's suffering to get along in the World, then you are the one who suffers. Plain and simple - and there isn't any need to convince people of that. Don't believe it? Fine. I won't waste my breath on you.

At any rate, here's to being still alive.

Osama Bin Laden is Dead

2011-05-02T11:02:00.000-05:00

Well...depending on what you believe, he has either been dead since 2007, is dead now, or is still alive on a fancy island someplace.

Either way, I believe Bin Laden was fabricated for a specific purpose. Now that we face a global terrorist threat, there really isn't a use for him anymore. C'est la vie.

By the way, now that a conspiracy is growing about Bin Laden's body being buried at sea - let's just venture to guess two things:

1) there was no body
2) Muslim tradition demands burial in 24 hours.

Convenience? Possibly. Considering that Bin Laden has been dead since 2007, I am inclined to believe number 1. Either way it doesn't matter for shit. Bin Laden was a tool. Just like Castro. Just like Noriega. Just like Milosovich. I don't remember seeing Hussein's body after he was hung, so he and Bin Laden are probably in Trinidad sipping Mai Thai's and reading the Wall Street Journal.

ANYWAY, so, Hussein is dead, Bin Laden is dead, their sons are dead, Mobarak is ousted, Ghaddafi is on his way ousted....so how many more CIA operatives, er, regional dictators/terrorists are left for us to kill?

That's right...we have a few more generations left.
Here's to a lifetime of war, everyone!

Why Ron Paul is crazy (and why that's an opinion):

2011-04-29T10:39:00.000-05:00

1) Ron Paul wants to end Medicare and Social Security - Not exactly, his opinion is that Medicare and Social Security are doomed to fail because of The Federal Reserve and Government spending. Either they (SS and MC) both will go bankrupt (if the value of the dollar "drops"), or he would choose to transition those programs out on a voluntary basis. He believes if we stop spending billions of dollars in foreign countries, on wars, etc...., then we could redirect those funds domestically and ease that transition. The youngest people are the ones who have to seriously consider that the money they have invested will not be there in the future, so why not give them a chance to opt-out of these programs and become independent? It might also force us to be reminded of Family Values, such as caring for an elderly family member - or having them live in your home during their Golden Years. Lastly, he also states that the changes he believes should be made will need to be agreed upon by the people and the Congress. Overall, he believes that something's gotta give and we should make these kinds of hard decisions now or risk being forced to when it's too late.

Ron Paul - Videos

2011-04-28T11:37:00.003-05:00

Ron Paul Disagrees with The Fed's Economic Planning

Both Political Parties are driving America into bankruptcy

"The idea of total Freedom doesn't work." - wait, do what??

Ron Paul Support Skeleton

2011-04-26T17:33:00.001-05:00

I want to list the reasons why I support Ron Paul. This is what I have coalesced after the times I have seen him speak and from what I have read. I will be reading, listening, and watching a lot over the next two years. Two years of this crap. Two fucking years.

Ron Paul:

1) States that both political parties are the reason why we are in a state of political decay

2) Clearly addresses questions and offers a clear, logical response; doesn't muddle it up with "hot topic" sound bytes or off-color blasts against groups or individuals (or partisan rhetoric).

3) States that everything that is wrong with our government has sprung from greed and out-of-control spending (lobbyists, special interests, welfare programs, the military-industrial complex, corporations)

4) Has consistently spoken and voted in favor of fiscal responsibility and frugality (he demonstrates this in his own office).

5) Acknowledges that the whole system is corrupt, goes against the constitution in several ways, and should be rebuilt from the ground up.

6) Wants to limit the power of federal government and bureaucracy by transferring many powers to state governments and/or eliminating entire portions of the federal government.

7) Wants to overhaul our foreign policy - trade more, sanction less; Create win-win relationships with our trade partners, stay out of foreign government and civil affairs, focus on national defense and not global offense; restore power of declaring war to Congress, remove ourselves as an international police force for NATO and the UN.

8) Believes in ending the income tax and the gas tax.

9) Believes the ultra rich are profiting at the expense of the middle class

10) Wants to end all morally-driven domestic wars (war on drugs, war on gays, etc...)

11) Insists that the original Constitution should be used as a rule and guide to govern our country because it was written to limit the power of Federal Government and empower the populace.

Ok, this is a nutshell with no real explanations, etc...I'm doing it this way on purpose. I haven't addressed abortion, which to a lot of people is more important than our national debt, on purpose. There are a lot of details to consider and there are arguments against Ron Paul because he is Pro-Life, or wants to force women in Alabama to drive to a different state if they want an abortion, or wants to vote on an amendment to ban flag-burning, that he is insane, etc...

First off, I will try to speak to those types of misconceptions as I find or experience them.

Secondly, I would like to remind myself and anyone who reads this that if you don't like Ron Paul it is within your right to do so. All I ask is that you bring something to the table that we can research together. I am more than happy to say "I don't like that Ron Paul did that". I expect you to say "Huh, I guess the details of this weren't available to me.". I don't want to prove anyone wrong. I want to show why I am supporting Ron Paul. You are free to do whatever you want with your vote. Unless something earth-shattering comes out, I expect to be voting for him in the primaries. I expect to contribute to his campaign. I did the same thing for Obama.

Considering that both Bush and Obama haven't really done what they were going to say ("Compassionate Conservatism" and "Change we can believe in"), I am more than willing to accept that everything Ron Paul says is just fluff to get elected; that he will screw us when he gets elected.

But I highly doubt that's the case. Otherwise, he would have been toe-to-toe with Romney and McCain in the polls and would have received equal coverage in the non-internet media. If Ron Paul was really gaming us, then the Bilderberg would have selected him as President in 08 and he wouldn't have had to raise 35 million dollars for his campaign. It would have been handed to him like some other previous candidates.

If Ron Paul does end up bamboozling us, then I'll simply start voting for the third party which gets the most votes and support. I'll get into that later.

Anyway, I wanted to get the Ron Paul Support Skeleton out there. I may add or subtract from it as we go.

5/2/2011 - More for the support skeleton:

13 Reasons to Vote for Ron Paul in 2012:

by Jesse Fortner on Monday, May 2, 2011 at 9:22am

1. He’s consistent
Ever since he was first elected in 1976, he’s stuck with his principles. No flip-flopping in an attempt to remain popular. He has never voted for an unbalanced budget, to raise taxes, to increase the power of the executive branch, or raise congressional pay. He even returns a portion of his salary to the treasury at the end of each year and does not participate in the lucrative congressional pension program.

2. He served in the military
He served in the Air Force and the Air National Guard from 1963-68, so he knows how military leadership works and can relate to those soldiers already in the field.

3. He was an OB/GYN before becoming a politician
Not only has he been involved in the medical field both before and after the government intervened, his Pro-life stance is much better informed than other candidates.

4. He’s been married to the same woman for over 50 years
This might seem irrelevant, but it does give us some insight into his character. He is a man of integrity.

5. He is charismatic
This should be superficial, but we need someone who can outdo Obama in the ability to raise money and get people excited. His “Money bombs” have raised over $700k in 24 hours. Also, he wrote a book which debuted on the New York Times bestseller list on monetary policy and the Federal Reserve.

6. He believes in strict constitutionalism
Of all the congressman who took a vow to uphold the constitution, none has such a superlative record of following through with that than Dr. Ron Paul.

7. He’s anti-corporatist; lobbyists don’t even bother to visit him
Not kidding. They know he won’t grant them any special favors, so they don’t even try. He’s one of the few representatives who isn’t in bed with special interests.

8. He supports the troops
…Enough to want them to come home. He is against aggressive wars, war without purpose or limits, and paying to defend other countries. He wants us to have a strong defense without the aggressive foreign policy which encourages terrorists More active and veteran troops support him than any other candidate.

9. He understands economics better than most government-hired economists
He’s a fan of Hayek and Von Mises, and understands the flaws in Keynesianism. He’s a proponent of the gold standard and kicking the central planners in the Fed out of our economy.

10. He wants to cut the size and power of government, and actually has the guts to do it. This is supported by his voting record and integrity, mentioned above.

11. He understands the American philosophy of government better than most citizens or politicians For example, he knows that rights do not come from the government, but they are ours by nature and it is the government’s responsibility to defend them. He understands the difference between a right and an entitlement.

12. He doesn't blame all of our problems on one or two things
We have an exploding debt, and it's not all because of medicare, medicaid and social security. Nor is it all because of our military spending. Both item contribute to our problems.

13. He knows that rights are immutable
Ever since humans have acknowledged rights as universal, politicians have been looking for justifications for violating them. Past presidents have used things like war and terrorism to take away our privacy and free speech. Ron Paul knows that this is immoral, and won't make your rights dependent on the whims of congress.
Those are the best I have so far. I expect to add more to this list as time goes on.

14. He won't force his views on you
Ron Paul is a Christian, and is personally a conservative person. However, he knows that because you disagree with him doesn't give him the right to force you change your ways. Government is for protecting rights, not controlling behavior.

Ron Paul 2012

2011-04-26T14:23:00.003-05:00

Ron Paul has announced he is running. He's my guy.
I'm going to be documenting stuff here, so this area is going to grow a bit.
I'm doing this to keep all my info together and possibly direct people. We'll see how it goes.

"...me personally, I live a very conservative life - I just don't impose it by laws..." - Ron Paul

http://paul.house.gov/

http://www.ronpaul.org/

http://www.youtube.com/user/RonPaulCC2012

https://donation.libertypac.com/?sr=6-d1

http://www.issues2000.org/tx/Ron_Paul.htm

Feelings, observations, memories, fears, and intentions

2011-04-13T15:00:00.000-05:00

Troubling news at the beginning of the week turned my flat line emotional activity into a hyper-active seismograph. I haven't been emotionally affected like this in a very long time and I'm relieved to say that today is better.

Last night I sat down to play Fallout and did nothing but wander around The Capital Wasteland for an hour. I accomplished nothing except walk around in a daze. The occasional raider and Yao-Guai were taken down but aside from that, I just walked through a virtual desert. It was actually symbolic of my mental state.

I learned early Monday that my good friend, J.D., lost his brother suddenly, earlier in the morning. Later that night, I received some other potentially very bad news that I'm reluctant to share out of respect for privacy. While walking over the virtual miles in the Wasteland, I was thinking to myself that I physically felt depressed. There was a persistent tightness in my chest and my thoughts were either replaced by a loud silence or filled with emotions that couldn't be sidelined. In my mind, I had clarity and knew exactly what I was feeling - but my mind felt separated from the body which felt intensely dark and claustrophobic.

I normally don't feel depression. I seriously do not. It hasn't happened in almost ten years and I fought to find a reason why it chose to happen, so suddenly, this week. While walking over a virtual landscape, made to look devoid of life, I realized that the intensity in my chest was of a very extreme empathy for my friend and his family (also combined with the bad news I had received about someone else close to me). I feel deeply for J.D. and his family to the point that it is physically painful and I have no idea why I have been affected like this. I've lost family members over the years, including my grandfather, but I never felt quite like this. I was never very close to Tyler and we didn't have a past friendship for me to remember fondly as others are now. However, Tyler was barely two weeks younger than I am - only 32 - and had so many years ahead of him as I do now. The thought of life being so fleeting and fragile at this stage in my life is something that I almost can't bear to deal with. It's like a candle going out with half of it's wax left behind. For me, it's leaving those who need me behind. It's a palpable fear. The same goes for someone else in my life who is staring at some seriously bad shit. We won't know more until next week or so...but for now it doesn't look good and there is a potential for many lives to be altered in a very palpable and sad way.

My empathy pours out here, as well. I don't know why, but I am feeling more for others in the past two days than I can remember - and it's not even conscious. It's the kind of empathy that doesn't require me to think about it. I just feel it. I feel it all over and am floored by it. It is most likely my inner Libra lamenting over the utter disharmony of what's happened this week. Which would be fair - shit fell of the goddamn track.

This reminds me of the very first funeral I can remember: While I was in Middle School at Dulles, a girl on the cheerleading team fell off a pyramid during cheerleader practice. She fell from the top and hit her head on the gym floor, if I remember correctly. She went into a coma and died a few days later. Her name was Katrina Bugayong - spelling may be off. I don't know why I chose to go to that funeral. Katrina didn't like me and occasionally said mean shit to me. But I went anyway. I remember seeing her in the casket and can see her face as if it were today. I think it was the first time I saw death in a context that was singular to me. I knew a person, interacted with them, and suddenly they were gone and there was a vacuum. It was very personal - I think it was the fact that we were the same age and her future had been erased. I think I felt a bit of my own mortality shuddering. I remember when I left with my dad, who took me, I broke down in the parking lot...uncontrollable sobbing. I didn't know why I did it, either. I had no love for Katrina, no fond memories to remember or become sad over. I didn't know the family or the majority of her friends - in fact most of her friends didn't like me either. Something in me was shaken badly and I don't know why. I think that maybe fear may be a factor here, too.

I don't believe in a Christian God that plays a personal role in people's lives. What I believe is really complicated and difficult to explain... but I do believe in the everlasting soul. I believe that Tyler has left behind his physical limitations and achieved a state of consciousness and understanding that none of us can know. It is my hope that his consciousness is racing through the Cosmos and experiencing time and space in fantastic ways. But most of all, it's my hope that J.D., Doug, their family, and Tyler's closest friends are all able to come together and find strength and peace in each others company while sharing memories of him.

The only thing I think that helps me alleviate what I feel is to send whatever healing energies I have towards the people whom I know need it the most. I think that maybe that is the reason why I feel better today. I know that things may not be better for anyone else, but I try not to feel guilty about it. The best I can do is let them know that where I can help, I want to be. There isn't much else.

Death is a serious thing, man. It's a door, a gateway, and a closing of a chapter. Yes there are chapters to follow as chapters preceded. However, it's hard to accept when someone you know and love on this mortal plane has shuffled this coil; that now planes of existence and states of matter separate loved ones. It's hard to miss someone when they are that dear to you and sometimes nothing makes it better.

Well, nothing except the love and support of your family and friends.

Dead Ostriches Taste Better

2011-04-07T11:11:00.000-05:00

Violence springs up everywhere
From the ground, the air, and my fellow man
I have been grazed by it and am shaken

I can see the world lines and multiverses unfold:
The possibilities and my adaptations
When will preparation become desperation?

I see darkened valleys covered by shadow
The mountains and vistas are obstructed by clouds
Fallout, slavery, class warfare, subterfuge, and strife

There is no Light in the world we are making
My child may inherent a spiritual wasteland
A broken land with broken people with broken values

The only thing to protect her is either
A shift in cosmic influence or divine intervention
Because there is no such thing as Saint John Rambo

Our civilization has bi-polar disorder and is a cutter
How am I supposed to make sense of it?
Why have I been left to deal with the shit our elders made?

All I have ever wanted was baseball, guitars, love, and peace
Instead, I've been pushed off a cliff with a torn parachute
I'm expected to make it all work; make it right

This would have never happened to a communal tribe
It's a shame we killed most of the people who knew
How to live in harmony with their environment and their future

I suppose that's what happened when we ate of the tree
But with that knowledge, did we really gain anything?
We weren't cast out of the Garden - we burned it down.

So it goes.

"Be Prepared"

2011-03-17T08:40:00.002-05:00

Click on the picture for a larger image

The ARS has stated that this map is full of disinformation. Whatever. No one wants to scream "fire" in this movie theater. Have we learned nothing from Katrina?? In extreme situations, we should be advising the public to take any necessary precaution to secure their loved ones and their health. If it means people should flee the western coast, then they should tell us that.

No one wants panic and no one wants to be afraid but if you give humans just a fraction of hope, they will remain complacent. Whatever the real story is about the Fukushima power plants, the truth is that we have to be prepared for the worst. If we aren't, then there will be REAL panic in the international community and at home on our neighborhood streets. Make no mistake about it, if I have to deal with a bunch of desperate people in my neighborhood, it's going to be them or me.

Many things have happened over the past 10 years to warn us about some kind of impending doom. Take the government and the economy out of it! Just look at the weather patterns or the increasing rate of earthquakes and volcanic eruptions. If something on a cataclysmic scale happens in even a moderately populated area, shit is going to get primal real fast. What will you do when your government shuts down and can't protect you or send you supplies? What will you do in the two weeks after an earthquake, hurricane, or flood that will keep you and your family safe and secure?

Why must people always believe that nothing bad is going to happen until it's too late?? I guarantee you, Obama is not going to be up late at night thinking about Main Street, USA. He won't be thinking about your water or food. He won't be thinking about your electricity. He's not a bad guy, but he won't have your perspective in mind. He will be thinking about the entire country. It is your responsibility to be prepared for the worst when it comes. If it doesn't come, then it would be better to have what you need than not have it at all. Just watch Katrina footage. Those people were not prepared for the worst case scenario and look how quickly their microcosm collapsed.

Do yourself and your neighbor a favor: Get prepared to support yourself for up to one month. Food, water, medicine, clothes, gasoline, ammunition, and short wave communication. Do it now while we still have grocery stores and you don't need to be armed to leave your own home. Do it while you still have time and DO NOT listen to any news sources who tell you that there is no reason to be concerned. They are owned by corporations who want you complacent and buying commercial goods up to the very last minute. They want you watching American Idol, not taking inventory of your supplies.

Get prepared.

The Crawling Chaos

2011-03-16T13:45:00.000-05:00

Heal the World(?)

2011-03-15T12:29:00.000-05:00

Dear religious organizations of the World:

Please do not use the tragedy of Japan (or any other, for that matter) as a pulpit for your message(s). Do not pray for the Japanese, who are suffering, to have open ears to hear your God. It would seem more "Godly" to pray for the relief of others no matter what their spiritual beliefs may be. If you want people to be inspired by the glory of your God, then act as if you were his hands and his heart.

Pray, Help, and Heal as you would have strangers do for you.

This ain't Red Rover, people.

Japan hit by 9.0 earthquake and tsunami - Let's argue about nuclear power

2011-03-15T08:35:00.001-05:00

I don't understand how a NATURAL DISASTER off the coast of Japan gives anyone the right to debate the safety of nuclear power. When nuclear plants are run correctly and efficiently, they do their job safely. It's only when incompetent people make mistakes or environmental hazards threaten the safety of those plants. It seems to me that the Japanese had contingencies in the event there was a disaster similar to this, but what happened in Japan was not normal or expected. It was a DISASTER. The last thing I like to see are pro and anti nuclear opinions taking over this tragedy with their propaganda.

Let's help the Japanese heal their injured, find their missing, bury their dead, and rebuild their country first. We have plenty of time to debate the safety of Nuclear Power after all that has been taken care of.

If these nuclear plants were to have up and exploded on their own, without a 9.0 earthquake (and hundreds of aftershocks) followed by a Tsunami, then I would consider the arguments fair. But not now.

Not. Now.

In *** we trust

2011-03-14T15:08:00.000-05:00

I think I get why Christians are irritated by the Separation of Church and state. They have a "personal relationship" with God and Jesus and may feel threatened by idea of any separating taking place. I think this is why I see and hear Christians attacking this portion of the Constitution and our Pledge of Allegiance. I believe that if your relationship with your God is "personal", then it doesn't matter if someone else's kid mentions him before they start school. That is unless, you have insecurity of that relationship due to commitment or communication issues...

Swede Mason remixes - Watch them

2011-03-08T09:42:00.000-06:00

I am in love with this guy's remixes. He goes by Swede Mason. I don't know what the name means. He makes deceptively simple songs using lines from TV or Movies. They're funny to me. Maybe not to you. My favorites are Ransom and Silence...simply cause the songs are catchy and he scratches them badassly. He's got more but they aren't as awesome. Despite their simplicity, some of these songs are really, really good.

Willy Wonka:

Indiana Jones:

The Silence of the Lambs:

Ransom:

Conan - Caveman Doom from the UK

2011-02-28T17:49:00.015-06:00

Conan's Facebook Page

Conan's Myspace

Conan Merchandise

Is it Conan the Destroyer? Is it Conan the Late Night Talk show host? Umm...No. Would this be a proper review that details every reason you should buy this CD? No, go read a real review for that. This is just nonsense and rambling.

So why am I writing a half-ass review about a doom/sludge band from the UK? First off, it's in the name. In the history of metal, I am flabbergasted by why I have never heard a band with this name before. Secondly, the name of the album is awesome: "Horseback Battle Hammer". Seriously, do you need another freaking reason to listen to this CD? Yes? Then how about the fact that this album has the thickest tone since Sleep's Dopesmoker or HOF's The Art of Self Defense?

Jon Davis puts together some rather simple riffs but delivers them on a plate of heavy, detuned sludge. From the opening riffs of "Krull", you pretty much get the idea that he isn't screwing around with his tone. The song opens and you are trapped by an anaconda of fuzzy, distorted Doom. The inescapable heaviness of Conan's sound penetrates your skull like Kahn's earworms from Star Trek II, the main difference being that you don't have to hear Chekov crying like a little bitch.

When compared to other Doom bands I've listened to, Conan's approach just how I prefer to smoke a 15lb brisket in the BBQ: Slow and Low. They have the awesome tone colorization and louder-than-fuck approach that I love about Sunn O))), but they have the sinister slow drive that reminds me of Bloodlet's The Seraphim Fall. Yes, it is simple like the hordes of other doom/stoner bands out there, but there aren't any bluesy lines to deal with. However, they stick to the spirit of those genres. Simple, loud, and loud. It's nice to hear a heavy band isn't just going through the minor pentatonic motions while wrapped in a cocoon of weed smoke and Southern Comfort.

The massiveness of the wall of sound is contrasted by eerie vocals that conjure up images of ghosts and banshees. They don't compete with the power of the instruments and add an extra element to the music (When I listen to music, I usually look at the vocals as an instrument and hear how they are placed and performed). In this case, I am really impressed with Jon's vocals. Most of the heavy bands try to crush you with their throats, so it's nice to hear a different delivery.

My only criticism is that the bass player and drummer (John McNulty and Paul O'Neill?) don't stand out much. However, they work as a powerful trio so it's not that big of a deal. Saying this, the drums and bass stand out much more on their live footage. Especially when it comes to drums. Interestingly, there is a lot more going on with them than I heard on the recording.

Conan is a great example of taking a simple idea and approach and pushing it to the extreme. With huge, fuzzed out tone, guitars tuned to F, and a snail's pace of tempo, Conan stand out like a sumo wrestler on an airplane.

They have just recently completed a split with The Slomatics, whom I highly recommend if you are into the style of Doom that Conan brings. As it turns out, there is some influence of the Slomatics in Conan's style.

At any rate, if you are into Doom and are tired of the same old three-chord bong anthems or half-naked beast women slinging halberds, give Conan a shot. They will definitely leave an impression.

Favorite Tracks:

Krull - This is a great opening track. It's slow and sludgy the whole way through, except at the end. When I listen to it, I think about the mountain spaceship and the Beast. I also think about shitty acting and a script that rips off Star Wars. At the end of the track, the song stops and is restarted by a mid-tempo burst with some screaming vocals. It's a great way to open the album and introduce people to the sound. When I first heard it, I expected there to be some change and there wasn't. There is no escaping this tone. None.

Dying Giant- When I hear the opening riff, I think of...well, giants. The intro is just over 3 minutes long and it breaks up into a straight-forward brain massage. It's the heaviest track on the record and a great way to end the album. It has the most sonic power and is absolutely evil. The end is freaking brutal: slow and heavy with a wah-wah wash. Heavy, Low, Slow, repeat. BRU-TAL.

I've managed to get the lyrics from the band and they have given me permission to post them in this blog. I tried to figure them out myself but didn't do so well. Anway, here they are:

Krull

My name is Krull, I live on a mountain.

I know where you're from, It's in the fountain

Worship Krull, within the Mountain.

My God's have gone, into the fountain.

Madness and horror, daggers and teeth.

Wrestle the Gods in the swamps of the dead.

Satsumo

Blood flows.

Go, remain.

Bodies flow to the bottom, always flow to the bottom.

The bay is full at the bottom, deathly full at the bottom.

Dying Giant

(Scream)

Invisible Sun, blood-reddened beams of undying light.

Ocean of graves, ebb and flow.

Sea Lord

Much Ill

Will Suffer

Oaken

Oarlocks

SEA BE LIFTED SITHEN

Onward

Northmen

Iron Mailed

Great Dragon

SEA BE LIFTED SITHEN

As with all bands, it's fairly likely that you can find a free download of this album. Unfortunately, I won't be able to help you with that. However, if you'd like to be a good sport and buy the CD, Cassette, or vinyl, please visit Head of Crom Records or click the merch link at the top of the page.

Here is a live video:

This is what happens when Pluto is kicked out of our Solar System

2011-02-23T16:14:00.000-06:00

More about Pluto

As you spend your day worrying about reports, spreadsheets, sales, customers, etc...try not to take your problems for granted. There are people who are being shot because they want better governments, trapped under tons of rubble thanks to an earthquake, or have been killed by pirates. Take some time today to reflect on the mundane parts of your life and be thankful you can worry about them. Also, if you are inclined, spare a bit of positive energy through prayer or similar secular practice. There are people out there who could really, really use it.

CNN World News - It sucks out there.

Time is Running Out

2011-02-17T17:15:00.000-06:00

carry burdens still
the matchstick is burning fingers
i wont ask again

Moon, Genetic Cloning, and a lot of questions...

2011-01-26T18:22:00.000-06:00

So I've been pretty engrossed by the 2009 movie Moon by Duncan Jones, starring Sam Rockwell. It's a great Sci Fi movie about a man who learns that his life isn't what he thought it was. It's a sad movie, really.

So, I had some questions that were raised during the movie that I believe are poignant questions now. Actually, I've had these questions in my head since 2000 but haven't really had the discussion with anyone. I shall have to fix that.

We are headed down that road whether you like it or not. Seriously, we are already cloning food and livestock. We are next and there is no way to stop it. For all you religious people, God is going to have some seriously motivated competition. So, since it's on the brain, I want to get my thoughts out there.

Like, such as:

When a clone is made correctly and grows into a mature adult, it will act and experience everything we do in the exact same way. In the course of their life, they may be indoctrinated into some form of organized religion.

Let's just say that John Smith, the clone, becomes a devout member of his church and eventually becomes a priest. He has a following, a herd, and preaches to them every Sunday. He is the model citizen and embodies the very essence of what it means to be a "Christian". One day, he learns that he is a genetically created Human Clone and that he was manufactured in a laboratory by scientists. He learns that he didn't have real parents. He learns that he was not conceived in the same manner as the people he preaches to. In fact, he is not like them at all. While genetically he is the same, he is really an alien - a being that exists outside the laws of Nature as we know them. His whole life is a lie.

So, does John Smith Clone have a soul? Is he destined for heaven? I mean...he is a priest and lives his life according to scripture, right? Does the conservative/religious view of conception mean that unless conceived by normal means, a Clone doesn't have access to God since God had nothing to do with his existence? Or could it be argued that God made the scientists come together to make John Smith Clone? Does John Smith Clone get to stay a priest? Does he no longer have that spiritual connection with God?

The easy answer is "Yes.". If a Clone is a 100% copy of a human being, then all the same things should apply. A spark of life is a spark of life and it should be viewed no differently than artificial insemination, right?

But where does he receive the divine spirit that is his soul? Is a soul the litmus test for being Human? How could we ever measure that? Is 21 grams that important? Is the origin of life that important to assume that a living being would be doomed to be an alien amongst it's own kind?

Moon is captivating. A beautiful movie about cruel humans

If God no longer participates in the creation of life, what is God's place? Where does he belong? Does God no longer exist at this point? I mean...what if all of humanity stops procreating, as we were made to, and populates the Earth with cloned Humans? Are they destined for Heaven...or Hell? Do all the rules of Nature even apply to them? Do they have souls and are they obligated to follow the same moral path that we all do? Does God expect the same thing from Clones as Humans? Would he accept them and love them as unconditionally as he loves us?

(Take that one step further and suggest there is no personal God. A Deist God. I think if there were Clones living on our Earth, and God were like the Deist God, it wouldn't be necessary to expect "acceptance")

What if there are three exact copies of John Smith Clone? Are they all equally entitled to the same piece of celestial real estate as the original, Human John Smith? What if there are a million John Smith Clones? Do they all receive the same, duplicated soul or do they all get their own? Can a Human Clone be born into mortal sin?

Is it fair to say that when you piecemeal genes together and make a human being like a lego castle, it isn't the actual castle. It's a copy. A facsimile. Just like with identical twins, clones are not JUST LIKE humans. There are differences. Small but significant. ...But what is more important, the genes or the heart?

Is the Human Clone's life of equal value to a Human's? Is there a purity difference? Would they be considered sub-human even if they were genetically superior? Could we make them slaves and would we be right to do so? Could we use them as a military force against their will? Since their existence breaks the law of Nature, would we be sinners for exploiting or killing them? How would they be different from artificial intelligence? Would we be monsters for using them as tools and discarding them when we are done with them?

There is no prime directive for how we approach and interact with life of any kind. But what if we create life? Would we be like God, having dominion over the Clones? Would we be right to act like God and dictate the affairs and lives of the Clones we make? Would we be right to demand worship, subservience, and obedience? Is that God-like?

What if instead of sentient people, we made Clones living pieces of meat for testing or food? We wouldn't be eating Humans, really. No cannibalism problems there, right? What if we just cloned human parts? Is that OK?

What happens when there are Humans who sympathize with Clones? Do we become divided as a race? Will Clones be persecuted? We don't have a good track record when dealing with differences, really.

I would be one of those sympathizers. I already sympathize with them and they haven't even been made (that we know of). There are times where I don't feel like I belong amongst Humans. I feel like I am different and that my brain isn't made of the same stuff. I think this is the reason why movies like A.I. and Moon hit me in such a deep way. My empathy for these characters becomes palpable as if I am seeing myself or my family on the T.V.. Perhaps it's low-grade Asperger's. Perhaps it's the AD/HD. Either way, Moon has definitely re-energized my thoughts concerning Clones. I'm glad I didn't put my stories down forever. While they may not be made into a movie and just stay brain droppings to fuel a metal band, I'm glad that I'll be able to ask these questions in some format. I just need to figure out a way to get people to read them....Funny enough, had it not been for bringing my stories to music, I probably wouldn't have heard of Moon.

That being said, at the end of the day, we are all children of this Universe. We are all made of the same building blocks that were created 14 billion years ago. ...and in the end we will all return to those building blocks.

"In the end, we are all the same."


I don't care what anyone says about my masculinity. Rutger Hauer was simply beautiful in this scene.

It's not my fault

2011-01-20T13:44:00.000-06:00

"So what is troubling you? Something to do with your dreams, if I remember my assistant's notes, correct?"

"It's plain and simple, doc: I am emotionally isolated from everyone I know. I mean, I love and care about those around me but always feel an internal separation of myself from them. It's like that brain disorder...what is it called...? When you feel like you're dead or in a dream even though you are physically alive and awake? Do you know--?"

"--Yes, I believe it's called Cotard Delusion or Negation Delerium."

"Right. My trouble is that despite my best efforts I am unable to get around the wall inside my head. Being participatory requires focus and attention; it just doesn't happen normally. I've been told that I am selfish and self-centered, or narcissistic, but that simply isn't the case. It's not that I care only about myself. My life would fall apart without those in my life but I've been told that's only because they make my life easier to deal with. I just know that there are things that I should say, do, or ask that show I care...but nothing pops into my brain. There is nothing except the constant playing of music inside my mind."

"What have you done to address this on your own?"

"I have to remind myself to do or say things in order to let others know that I am engaged in their lives and not in lost inside my mind. But the truth is that I get lost inside my mind without thinking about it. I over-analyze things and once thought that I had OCD...but I am disorganized and don't count things arbitrarily. In fact, I love surprises and new things. It's like I have pieces of OCD. I shouldn't have to remind myself to be involved in someone's life. It isn't right."

"That might be due to your attention deficit disorder. Have you been taking your medication for that?"

"No. I can't. When I take it, I do stay focused and am more engaged, but my brain feels like a piece of meat. It feels dead and lifeless. I really feel like I'm dead. How do I know if I am dead or dreaming?"

"Robert, you certainly aren't dead but I think the dreaming part may be a reasonable explanation."

"How so?"

"Perhaps when you were unintentionally over-medicated as a child, it somehow reacted to your brain's chemistry? You were placed on rather experimental behavioral medications during your childhood; which wasn't out of the ordinary at that time. They just didn't test the medications like they should have. ...It could be that when your brain was growing, something in those medications changed the way you process your environment? It's difficult to say with you being so much older now, but I can assure you that you are very healthy and alive amongst us. Let's go back to the music in your head. Is it music, like your favorite songs or are annoying songs that repeat?"

"No. Spontaneous music. Things from single instruments to entire symphonies of random, improvised music. It's hilarious, actually. I am a failed musician that has never recorded a single album, yet music is in my mind at all times."

"I see. I have heard of some cases where patients with OCD or Lyme Disease experience this kind of thing, but it's more an auditory hallucination. We might see about starting you on some medications that aren't so invasive to your conscious activity. Perhaps you could take something at night, before bed? I may have to look into this a bit more. What's the average number of hours that you sleep?"

"..."

"Robert, are you listening?"

"What? Oh. Sorry doc."

Moon - The OST

2011-01-19T17:56:00.000-06:00

I have used several images from Duncan Jones' "Moon" to help bring to life the characters I have started writing about in my Genetian short stories and now have it in my head that Sam Rockwell really is Anthony Raemus...it is a lovely daydream....

There aren't that many soundtracks that have impressed me since Akira. The most recent one is the soundtrack for Moon. To be accurate, I probably will be a Moon fanboy for a little while. I am not familiar with Clint Mansell's previous work, however, Moon is certainly something special.

It's impressive to hear a soundtrack that incorporates the vastness of space in it's sparseness. The OST is a wonderful blend of reverb-laden piano and noise. Wonderful, wonderful noise. There are many textures to experience here...guitar whines, pads, swells, shit that sounds like a didgeridoo, full drum kits...electric bass....clean electric guitar, I mean it's all there and every moment is beautiful.

I swear to God, sometimes I believe in the theory of a unified human consciousness. There are so many things about this movie that I have entertained in my mind before. Whether it is human cloning or making music for God, I really feel like I was meant to experience this story.

This really isn't a proper review...it's more of a brain dump. It's a good thing I don't have regular readers.

Favorite Track right now is "Memories". I love a reverb-washed piano...every time I hear one, I hear angels singing.

Anyway, you should listen to it.

The only Antidote is Reason and Compassion

2011-01-12T17:29:00.001-06:00

After reading comments from both Democratic and Republican commentators regarding the use of Inflammatory Rhetoric, it BLOWS MY MIND that our 1st Amendment is being used as an excuse to continue divisive and loaded speech aimed at either side of the aisle. The voice of reason continues to be drowned out by insane and self-serving hacks who use violence as an opportunity to buoy their own careers, or the careers of their benefactors.

The ONLY redeemable quality of those in (all forms of) media and public political service, is to act as an example and show us all what it means to be humble and compassionate human beings. It's bad enough that our votes don't count in two party elections, so AT LEAST put on a human face when good men, women, and children (who do not subscribe to your agendas) are shot in a supermarket. Not because of you, personally, but because of the venomous political discourse which you participate in and defend.

Your words are causing an increasing division amongst a majority of good people, whom would normally look for civil and honorable ways to resolve conflicts or disagreements. You have hijacked our political parties and turned them into misguided, educated thugs who flash gang signs at each other across cable news networks, or blogs, and have armed a minority of our population, which has the equivalent intelligence of a cow, with a sense of entitlement (that has replaced patriotism) wrapped neatly in a blanket of atavistic xenophobia.

If you willingly, and knowingly, utter, promote, or permit lies, half-truths, or propaganda for either side of the partisan quagmire that has swallowed intelligent Political Debate, then you are the sentient equivalent to Staphylococcus...and Political Debate has a dangerously low immune system.

Something's gotta give.

The Death of Gellar Elias

2011-01-05T13:40:00.003-06:00

Gellar hit the stilerium cargo bay deck hard. The left side of his face crunched as his cheekbone imploded under the force of impact. He let out a gruff complaint that sounded more like a man swatting away a fly than reacting to a broken bone. He saw stars momentarily as he yelped and it confused him more than the pain he felt in his face. As his vision cleared, he saw three pairs of boots, and their reflections, on the deck.

Raemus, Kadrin, and Anderson had retrieved Gellar Elias from his holding cell and brought him to the ACA Instruction Hangar, then entered and boarded a Fitted Personnel Carrier. Kadrin threw Gellar to the cargo bay deck as soon as the bay doors were shut. The combined sounds of the thud, crunch, and yelp echoed loudly in the huge, empty hangar. Gellar felt a weight begin to crush the middle of his back and he arched to compensate. As his head reached for the ceiling, a hand wrapped tightly around his mouth and squeezed his jaw shut. His arms tried to flail, instinctively, but were restrained by arm binders. He let out muffled objections through his nostrils but was only able to expel snot as he felt the pricks on the left side of his neck. Kadrin had his knee to Gellar's back while clamping Gellar's mouth shut with his hand. He then proceeded to insert four syringes into Gellar's neck with his free hand. After the fourth injection, he pushed Gellar's head away and down upon the deck, where the broken cheekbone broke again as it met the cold floor. With the hand gone from his mouth, Gellar let out a cry in pain so loud that the three officers felt surrounded by it - as if it were a blanket or a coat.

Gellar cursed and spit out a bloody tooth. He was able to focus on it for a moment before Anderson and Kadrin lifted him from his prone position. The force they used to grab him and lift him made Gellar feel like his arms were being ripped off. Gellar gained his footing and looked up, seeing Raemus staring at him hard. Raemus reached out and put a hand on Elais' shoulder and looked into his gray eyes for a few moments, then around the features of his face. Raemus' eyes shifted from Elias' sharp nose to his taut lips, the only part of a Genetian's body that wasn't multicolored, and the blood on his chin. He looked over the furrow in his brow and his tussled silver hair, hoping that something would give him an opportunity to undo what had been done.

"Elias, you've really pissed me off. I can't begin to describe the misfortune you have brought upon me and I don't understand what is going on inside your head that justifies it. You have never known the freedom you are experiencing, I know it, but I don't know why you have insisted on being so destructive. Why not just come to me? I would have done my best to have saved you from this."

Raemus spread his arms wide as he said it, looking to his left and right. Elias eyed him for a few moments then said: "Anthony, I feel overwhelming hatred for you right now. I don't know what is going on, either, but I can assure you that if I did I would never tell you. I have been your slave for countless decades and will no longer submit to your orders, much less your requests. I have been making my own choices and I can't tell you how alive I have felt. I simply can't tell you how fucking alive I have felt and how angry I am that I was only allowed a sliver of freedom. If I had the ability, I would have killed all of you and disappeared into deep space, like Sanchez. I am not an animal, Anthony. I remember. I remember every second of my life from the day I was born into this...existence. ...and you have the gall to tell me that you are pissed off with me?? Misfortune?? You haven't even begun to taste the misfortune that you are due, you son of a bitch! My entire life was a lie until Titan! You can take your feeble attempts at empathy and blow it out your ass, for all I care. I am through talking to you. If you're going to kill me, hurry up and get it over with so that I don't have to look at the three of you anymore!"

Elias was panting, breathing through his mouth. Blood was still oozing from his broken teeth and dripping onto his uniform and the floor. Raemus looked down and saw the blood hit the stilerium deck. He watched as it started to pool and coagulate. It reminded him of his correction in the Council Hall. A female voice rang out in his mind. "Raemus...remember that we love you." Raemus looked up and at Elias. Just as he knew the Council loved him, Raemus loved Elias. While Elias was only an unthinking slave, performing the duties assigned to him, Elias and Raemus shared key pieces of genetic data which made them more similar than any other Officer and Driver that Raemus knew of. They were family.

Raemus looked at Elias, then to Kadrin and Anderson. He was about to speak when Elias said "Kill me so that you can all go back to being slaves. Kill me!" he yelled. Raemus fought to keep his anger in check as he looked at Elias. He looked again at Kadrin and Anderson and they both nodded simultaneously. He broke his stare and looked down as he unfastened a canteen from his belt. He twisted open the top with shaking hands and smelled from the spout. Breathing deeply, he closed his eyes as his head arched back as if to look at the ceiling. Raemus exhaled and returned his gaze to Elias, then extended his arm with the canteen towards him. "Elias, this is fresh water. You have been denied this your entire life. You may not want to hear me say it or accept anything further from me, but I want you to experience this before you die. Drink from this canteen so that I may kill you. ...And release you."

Raemus lifted the spout to Elias' lips and tilted it, allowing fresh water to enter his mouth. Raemus withdrew the canteen and watched Elias'. Elias let it sit in his mouth a few moments and he tasted another piece of existence that he had been denied. The anger surged inside him and he spat out the water all over his uniform, Raemus, and the deck. "Kill me, you son of a bitch!" Kadrin and Anderson both grabbed Elias and wrestled him to the floor, on his back, and Kadrin grabbed Elias' mouth, trying to force it open. His hand clamped down on Elias' jaw and Elias could hear and feel his jawbone straining under the pressure. Elias fought to keep it shut but Kadrin's strength was overwhelming. Elias shook his hand and Kadrin's grip lessened. Kadrin repositioned his hand so that his thumb was over the side of Elias' mouth and be began to apply pressure to the sides of Elias' remaining molars. Elias heard the whine of bones struggling to stay solid, then the sudden snap and crunch of his teeth breaking. Elias finally opened his mouth and let out a scream that was almost feral. Raemus used that opportunity to kneel on top of Elias' chest and force the open canteen into his mouth, upturning it so that the liquid poured in. Through the pain, Elias held his throat closed to prevent swallowing the water. While Raemus held the canteen in place, he struck Elias in his solar plexus and snapped his ribs. Elias coughed violently and took water into his lungs as well as his stomach. He swallowed briefly but returned to coughing and writhing on the deck.

The three officers stood up and looked down on Elias. Kadrin looked to Anderson and Raemus and they all nodded together. Kadrin was first to strike Elias, bringing down a boot across his throat. He struck him again in his head, shoulder, and collarbone - over and over again. Anderson turned around and went to the emergency station near the bay doors. He grabbed a fire-retardant canister from the emergency station and returned. He waited for Kadrin to slow his attack, then used an opening to begin raining down with the canister. He struck Elias' chest and midsection, then moved to his neck and head as Kadrin did. They took turns with boot and metal, pounding on Elias' body. Elias stopped squirming shortly after Anderson started hitting him with the emergency canister and accepted four more blows upon his chest and face without flinching. Anderson stood up and looked down at Elias' beaten body. He and Kadrin were both panting hard, wide-eyed and adrenal.

Elias moaned and turned his head, spitting teeth upon the deck again. He sounded like a malfunctioning air compressor as he strained to breathe with a broken torso. He looked up to see Kadrin and Anderson staring down at him. Elias spat out thick, coagulated blood that looked like a small geyser. He turned to his side and let out an awful moan as his bones snapped and twisted, piercing his internal organs. He pushed himself up onto his knees, kneeling on the stilerium deck. Kadrin and Anderson were on either side of Elias as he struggled to maintain consciousness and balance. He could hear boot steps behind him, then a series of musical beeps as a terminal was activated. He heard the hiss and whinny of a metal door opening, then a shuffling sound. The boot steps resumed and grew louder as they approached Elias from behind, stopping just before the place where he was kneeling. The metal door whinnied shut again and Elias heard Raemus speak. Elias was struggling to breathe through a shattered nose. He blew out hard and coughed, spattering fresh bloody clots onto the metal deck.

"Elias...Dear, Elias. I can't say enough how disappointed I am that this "awakening" of yours has led you to make the most unfortunate choices. You went from being a messiah to a pariah in less than a standard week!" Raemus' tone was scholarly and condescending, no longer the empathetic tone of brotherly love he offered prior to Elias' beating. There was the sound of a hollow thud as heavy metal struck the stilerium deck. It reverberated around the four Genetians. "Elias, you had told Emilio that your desire was to ride upon a Windsol." Chuckles arose from a smirking Anderson and Kadrin. "I believe that, while my accommodations won't be quite the standard you expected, I can offer a reasonable substitute. Raemus nodded to Kadrin and Anderson and they quickly were upon Elias and forcing him to his feet. Elias screamed as his body was stretched while being dragged upright by his Officers. They had to hold him in place because his knees started to involuntarily relax, refusing to lock. The Officers turned Elias around and he saw Raemus standing next to a large brown crate, or box. It was almost three feet high and was both a foot wide and deep. Raemus looked at Elias, then to the box, and back to Elias.

"Elias, this is your Windsol." He looked around the FCP and opened his arms, gesturing a large semi-circle to emphasize the FPC's size. He then looked down at the crate and without looking at Elias, he said "...and this is your 'first-class seat'." Elias' brow furrowed. Raemus patted the top of the box and quickly looked up to his Officers. "Kadrin, do you think there has been enough time? The water should have easily coursed through all his body now." Kadrin responded "Captain, the timing is correct and we should see multi-cellular breakdown occur within the next five to seven minutes. I think now would be a good time to proceed before things get too messy in here."

Elias jerked backward as the realization came over him. He screamed "NO!" and tried twisting out of the grips of his Officers. They wrestled him back to the ground and started beating him again. Raemus ran over and joined his brethren. Raemus ordered his men to prevent further struggle from Elias. The three Officers started breaking his bones with their bare hands. They broke his arms from his shoulder to his fingers, his clavicle and sternum, then any remaining rib bones that were so far unscathed. Elias howled as he was being slowly immobilized on the most primitive and barbaric level. The three Genetians broke their former Driver to pieces, fracturing every bone except his skull. The FPC, usually a sterile environment, now became a death stall. The smells of alien sweat, blood, and adrenaline permeated every inch of the carrier. Elias continued to scream from the extreme torture. Every inch of his body was afire with pain as his nerves shot wave after wave of information to his brain. His screams bounced off the metal walls of the FPC and rose to a high-pitched feed back loop.

Kadrin was standing up from Elias' side when he caught the beginning of the chemical reaction he had planned. He saw the whites of Elias' silver eyes begin to turn purple as the capillaries started to melt. Elias' already labored breathing began to be punctuated by wet coughing fits that betrayed the serum's effects in his lungs. Elias lay, immobilized in a pool of his own thickening blood and consumed by agony. Raemus scowled as the drug's cascading effects began to do horrific damage to Elias' cellular structure. His body began to darken and take on a plastic, slippery appearance. Raemus looked into Elias' eyes and saw them staring back at him. Elias' was fighting to breathe as his purple-shaded blood started oozing out of his nose, eyes, and ears. His coughing grew more violent and he expectorated thick, purple blood and small chunks from his throat. Elias's silvery irises floated on top of his newly purple scleras for a few moments, then began to melt, becoming purple themselves. Elias kept his bloody gaze fixed upon Raemus. Elias spat out more grime and struggled to speak between coughs "May you find...exactly what you are looking...for."

"Let's get him in his box." Raemus said. The three Genetian Officers dragged Elias' melting body over to the crate and began to stuff him inside. Elias was bleeding heavily from his head and with the pressure applied to his body, blood began oozing out of his skin pores. The three Officers lifted the crumpled body of Gellar Elias and dumped him into the crate. Kadrin frowned when Elias' body wouldn't fit all the way into the crate. His shoulders were too wide and the lid wouldn't close. Elias kept his gaze on Raemus until they pushed his head inside the crate. The outside of the crate was stained and dripping with purple blood. Anderson disliked this intensely and began complaining of the mess. "I am not cleaning this shit up." he said. Raemus chided him and reminded him to focus on his responsibility. Kadrin tried to close the lid but it wouldn't shut. "Shit! How long will it take to close this thing?" he said. "Kadrin, shut your mouth and pilot the FPC. Get us to the mesosphere then initiate the autodrive. The computer will pilot the rest of the way to the coordinates that I have programmed. Hurry the fuck up." Raemus said.

As the FPC exited the hangar and ascended through the sky, Elias' broken body continued to melt., but it increased in it's pace. Raemus poked at Elias' head and his finger pierced his shimmery skin ,and buckled his skull, making a sickening pop sound. Elias' body jerked violently for a second and came to rest again. Raemus pushed Elias' body down into the box some more and, when he applied his weight onto the melting body, Elias made a sound as if he had vomited. It was followed by a wet, sloshing sound. When Raemus looked down into the box to see what happened, he could see a purple/green muck pooling at the bottom of the crate. The applied pressure also caused purple blood to ooze in great quantity from Elias' pores. He pushed down again, trying to flatten Elias' body and more liquid was ejected from Elias mouth. It made a sluggish, sloppy sound as it poured onto the bottom of the crate. Blood continued to trickle down the sides of the crate and onto the stilerium deck.

The Fitted Personnel Carrier roared through the sky until it arrived to the point where Raemus instructed Kadrin to initiate the autodrive. He left the cockpit and joined the two remaining Officers as they stood over the liquefying body of Gellar Elias, which was now emitting the odor of decay and sickening filth. Raemus finally managed to close the lid on the crate and snap the latches shut. He stood up and saw his bloody glove prints all over the crate. Raemus took off his gloves and turned to his co-Officers "This box is very old and won't be accessed by any living Civilian. We don't use this technology anymore, so, when we eject it, it should fall into Lake Europa and float to a resting place in a recreational grid near the Council Core. I've verified that there won't be anyone around to "stumble" upon it while on decompression, so it should be a fine location for a final resting place. After all, this particular grid was where Elias spent his time as a youth."

The FPC navicom announced they had reached their destination. "Navicom to Captain Raemus: Destination confirmed. Lowering cargo doors." The three officers knelt down and tapped an orange button on their boots and they felt static electricity surge through the air as their boots were magnetically locked to the deck. The cargo bay doors lowered from the ceiling and the Officers saw the beginning of the purple Genetian sky unfold before them. "The atmospheric stabilization units are functioning well today." Anderson said. "Indeed." Raemus replied.

The air inside the FPC was sucked out and, as the cargo bay doors were fully opened, the Officers could see their world before them: The purple sky was dotted with clouds, thousands of weather machines, and gargantuan land masses many miles below that. The roar of the FPC engines and buffeting winds filled the cargo bay. Raemus scanned Genetia and then looked above the purple sky to outer space above the horizon. He thought to himself how beautiful it was but how much he hated being there. "Is it time?" Anderson shouted. Raemus broke away from his thoughts and nodded. The three of them shuffled behind the crate and each placed a hand upon it. They pushed in unison as their feet inched Gellar Elias toward the open sky.

As their last push dumped the crate over the edge of the cargo bay and into open sky, the three Genetian Officers stood erect and and watched the crate fall towards Genetia. It shrank more and more as it careened towards Lake Europa, miles below.

Elias was still alive when he went over the side into nothing. He felt his remaining insides become mangled as the forces of gravity seized him. Surrounded by the cacophony of wind and engines, Elias slowly drifted into oblivion. But in his last moments Elias heard a faint, beautiful song that seemed to resonate from inside his melting body. It hushed away the chaos around the outside of his box. Everything melted away while Gellar Elias' brain began to melt as the song hummed softly to him. Like a mother who sings a lullaby to a sleepy child, the lilting notes comforted him as he fell into eternal sleep.

Facebook, the Internet, and the death of social interaction. ...Wait, do what?

2010-12-29T13:08:00.000-06:00

I've been seeing more and more people bucking the social media trend, advocating a boycott of electronic social interaction in order to preserve "traditional" social interactions. "Get off the Facebook and talk to my face!" or "Talk to me in person, like a real human would!" are two themes that I've decided to paraphrase. I don't think that it's necessarily wise to limit or retreat from communication of any form, other than that one is afraid of it - for whatever reason. Although I think it's extreme, I can empathize.

I am a moderately asocial person: I am generally reserved, shy, and/or intimidated by certain trains of discussion or interaction. I am also intimidated when speaking to certain people who's body language is either vague, overly gregarious, or overly assertive/aggressive. It takes real work for me to talk with people sometimes and it has been since I was finishing elementary school. Prior to that, I was either oblivious or not concerned with the ramifications of my social behavior. Also, when speaking with people that I consider to be a station above my own (whether that be in a monetary sense or in a visual sense, ie: they are more beautiful than I ), I find it difficult to approach the "common ground" rapport so essentially necessary to having a "quality" discussion. I do not want to be a burden in any fashion. As I am searching for ways to not be bored on a daily basis, I struggle with becoming that burden for other people. Because of this, I have developed a rather eclectic group of topics that I enjoy discussing and they rarely have to do with the weather. I loathe discussions that become saddled in Meteorology, as they are a staple of discussion for those not willing or able to cross the bridge over the river of conversational deficiency. My choice for conversation is to bring up challenging questions of our life and environment, or things that must be postulated and hypothesized about. Difficult things. Things that make people think about a larger world, etc... Philosophical things. This is also exacerbated by my brain and my mouth not having the best time communicating with each other. Sometimes I don't have a question to ask which might stimulate the conversation. Other times, I don't think of anything to say to answer a question - I just think about the question for a while and toss it around in my mind. This rarely works well in a conversation.

It's hard to reach my comfort zone in a conversation where people haven't permitted access to it. Most people do require discussions about the weather or the score of the football game. Perhaps they want to talk about Chris Wallace's interview of Bill Clinton or the latest environmental disaster in Indonesia. Either way, their comfort zone is my caution tape. When my comfort zone is reached, however, I can blossom like a kaleidoscope creates stained glass art.

When I first started chatting in online chatrooms, I felt as if a weight had been lifted and the walls around me were blown to the four corners of the Earth. I was able to express myself in ways that I previously was unable to. I was able to talk about things that I wanted to talk about, when and where I wanted to. Most of all, I was able to talk with smart or beautiful women (if their pictures weren't lies) without having to worry that my body language was telegraphing the most uncomfortable story. In other words, I felt more free than I had ever been. It gave me confidence, as I was able to interact with others freely and take in information in a way that previously had been too cumbersome to manage. These early chat forums then moved on to IRC chats and ICQ chats...then to AIM and AOL Chatrooms. In these places, I started to become the person that I am today...with a few psychotropics thrown in here and there for flavor. Overall, it provided me the opportunity to grow and cast off some of the unfortunate side effects of socially ineptitude. Without electronic communication, I never would have met my wife or become the man I am today.

A large part of me still remains asocial and uncomfortable, although I am able to put those issues aside and address things in a manner that is much more conducive to most people. However, I still love being able to really hash out my thoughts before expressing them in an environment that works for me. I still like being able to say what I need to say without the required pleasantries. It's exhausting sometimes.

When people say "End electronic interaction.", part of me is frightened but part of me is also amused. I believe that most of the communication that people engage in is the equivalent to rotting food (the worst food). Unless there are really that many people who care about how my day is going, I think the whole idea is bullshit. I know that Humans are social and interactive. I just believe that the majority of American Society is self-centered and ego-driven; their desire to know other people is driven by their desire to communicate more about themselves. I am willing to provide that opportunity but I need a little bit more than "How are your dogs?". If that is a more desirable alternative than having a 2-page long discussion about what a Black Hole is, then that's your boat to float. I'll take the next one. Facebook is an evolution of the very earliest forms of electronic communication which were originally intended to bring people together across long distances - like all forms of long-distance communication! The same rings true for me now. I am in touch with people I hadn't talked to in years. It has helped me address my youthful demons and transgressions and allowed my reluctance to ease in those moments. It also has helped me answer personal questions that I had about other people simply by reading their interactions with others. I think a lot about a person's ability to communicate changes depending on the medium. My strength is in written communication. Not everyone else works that way. The only exception is when there is a miscommunication in regards to tone or inflection. Then you gotta pick up a phone or go to a coffee shop. But I think that's the exception.

I can't go back to phones and water coolers everyday. I simply can't. We are in a transition from then to now - just like when the telegram or the phone were invented. Those things evolved communication instead of derailing all of Humanity. Whether or not people are truly looking for personal interaction or simply raging against the digital machine is not my concern. I need my Matrix. I'll talk face to face with you after I figure out that you're not a jackass or have something serious to discuss. Then I'll have that invigorating and flowing conversation. But it will be about why Kierkegaard was a jerk or what would happen if there were geothermals on Europa. Other than that, I'm hard pressed to find a good reason why eliminating any form of communication is a good idea when the alternative is to talk about temperatures or bunions. Save that for someone who really does care about that crap. Me, I prefer to click the ignore button until someone finds a way to put a "Like" button on a carrier pigeon.

"1011000101010100101011011110101000010110010101101100111100101001001101010110111101

0101101101010110111011011101010110101011011001101010101010010101010101010101101010"

resolutions and recompense

2010-12-21T14:46:00.001-06:00

as this year winds to a close
and we do our best to gather with those
who are special and dear to us

we should be mindful of ourselves
our words and actions over the last year
we should be mindful of our shortcomings

think over this year and who you were
think about the things you said, the things you did
was there anything you would like to change?

be centered; be introspective
don't spend this year's end in a wasteful stupor
unless you know who you will be through the next

there are things that should end
there are things that deserve a beginning
and there are those who need both

see yourself as the person you want to be
towards your fellow man and to yourself
see the things about you that next year can do without

anyone can lose 20 pounds or quit drinking
not everyone is able to make a firm commitment to
be a better person and inspire others to be the same

Oxygen

2010-12-16T13:50:00.001-06:00

It's only when drowning that we feel our love to breathe.

And that the bandage doesn't help the wound to breathe.

His hands shook as he held the phone, not wanting to speak.

The living room blurred as he remembered to breathe.

Shivers and goose bumps shot up his arms as he talked.

His snot was an obstacle as he struggled to breathe.

All of the words she spoke dripped with bitterness.

Taking it all in, he summoned all his strength to breathe.

They struggled through every moment, debating.

His refusal to admit mistakes was her moment to breathe.

Her attentions were palpable and she smothered constantly.

He felt trapped and thought it was impossible to breathe.

I feel the weight of the world resting on my back.

I must remind myself that it's OK for me to breathe.

The Big Picture

2010-12-15T11:36:00.000-06:00

When considering the vastness and bleakness of Outer Space, it's easy to think that there is nothing; it's easy to say "there is no happily ever after." That's why they call it a leap of Faith. When you view the World with an open mind and a little imagination, it doesn't seem likely that so many perfectly interacting systems grew out of nothing. Nothing in our World is simple but everything is beautiful (except perhaps some of the meatbags that inhabit it).

No matter how you look at the Universe, it's hard not to see this photograph and feel a sense of humility and gratitude - and how the troubles of your existence are small details lost in an ocean of small details. You can look at it as a hopeless and meaningless existence OR you can look at your existence as a blessing.

No "matter" what, you will be reduced to the 4 elements that were assembled to make you. You will be reunited with the Universe. You will cease to exist in the form you now inhabit. Since you did not consciously create yourself, and may not be able to again, what will you do make your life as meaningful as possible? Tear your world down or live in harmony with it: It's your choice.

That is, unless, you think this photograph is a fake. Then you can disregard all of this.

---

"From this distant vantage point, the Earth might not seem of particular interest. But for us, it's different. Look again at that dot. That's here, that's home, that's us. On it everyone you love, everyone you know, everyone you ever heard of, every human being who ever was, lived out their lives. The aggregate of our joy and suffering, thousands of confident religions, ideologies, and economic doctrines, every hunter and forager, every hero and coward, every creator and destroyer of civilization, every king and peasant, every young couple in love, every mother and father, hopeful child, inventor and explorer, every teacher of morals, every corrupt politician, every "superstar," every "supreme leader," every saint and sinner in the history of our species lived there – on a mote of dust suspended in a sunbeam.

The Earth is a very small stage in a vast cosmic arena. Think of the rivers of blood spilled by all those generals and emperors so that, in glory and triumph, they could become the momentary masters of a fraction of a dot. Think of the endless cruelties visited by the inhabitants of one corner of this pixel on the scarcely distinguishable inhabitants of some other corner, how frequent their misunderstandings, how eager they are to kill one another, how fervent their hatreds.

Our posturings, our imagined self-importance, the delusion that we have some privileged position in the Universe, are challenged by this point of pale light. Our planet is a lonely speck in the great enveloping cosmic dark. In our obscurity, in all this vastness, there is no hint that help will come from elsewhere to save us from ourselves.

The Earth is the only world known so far to harbor life. There is nowhere else, at least in the near future, to which our species could migrate. Visit, yes. Settle, not yet. Like it or not, for the moment the Earth is where we make our stand.

It has been said that astronomy is a humbling and character-building experience. There is perhaps no better demonstration of the folly of human conceits than this distant image of our tiny world. To me, it underscores our responsibility to deal more kindly with one another, and to preserve and cherish the pale blue dot, the only home we've ever known."

Carl Sagan, A Pale Blue Dot

Unbreakable

2010-11-18T09:00:00.000-06:00

I look like I'm made of stone
But my skin feels like glass
Deep down you can see the cracks
The doubts that eat my bones

Part 2: It's a Little Complicated...

2010-11-04T14:13:00.001-05:00

(2 months before the fallout at Candlestick Point Recreational Area; see part 1)

     As the AC unit switched on and colder air started blowing into the office trailer, Charles picked up a paperweight and placed it on top of some papers that were starting to stir. He paused and looked at the paperweight for a moment. It was shaped like an old pine box and had the name "Tombstone" painted on the side. It was made to look like the old pine boxes that the newly dead were placed in back in the Old West. Charles smirked at the coincidence.
     Charles sat across from Julia at his desk. Since his office in San Francisco had closed, he had been moved to a temporary location not far from the Candlestick Point Recreational Area. In his trailer, he still was overseeing the construction and wrap-up of the park renovation. Despite the park being near finished, he still was drowning in paperwork and still had a months' worth of follow-up. He could barely see his desk when cluttered with all the paperwork and his computer. The office trailer was depressing and was straight out of the 1970's with its tan wood paneling that looked, and smelled, like his grandmother's house. The atmosphere of B.O., coffee, and fake wood seemed to crawl inside his nose and stomp over his taste buds. He hated it despite knowing that it was temporary. There was barely enough room for 4 men to move around, much less have the daily meetings that Charles and his foremen held in here. There was, however, plenty of room for Julia, Charles, and their heavy discussion.
     Charles was in his mid-40's and was an accomplished Project Manager, despite earning his expertise in classrooms instead of construction sites. His foremen called him "The Paper Keystone" as an endearment but he was still respected for his leadership and tact with his crews. Charles was a self-conscious man but had a wealth of confidence to hide his shortcoming. He began balding in his late teens and decided to keep his hair close-cropped to avoid the embarrassing twilight of his hairline. He was also 50 pounds overweight; his upper body a memory of his bodybuilding era. After years of office-based inactivity, his prideful musculature melted into fatty ineptitude. Despite this, he still had the affection and attraction of his wife which contributed to his confidence. Simply, Charles was good at "faking it".
     Julia was in her late 30's and was also a wife and mother. Her husband made a small fortune in the late 1990's by helping to develop new non-lethal Taser technology. She worked for the California government in the Parks and Wildlife department, which is how she met Charles and formed a friendship that has lasted 10 years. With her husband's success, she only worked to keep herself busy since her son was old enough to drive himself. Julia had a small but curvy build and ensured that her clothes communicated this to onlookers. When observing her walk from behind, the foremen would complain amongst themselves about such an unfairness; the insult added to the injury. Julia knew exactly what these men thought and used their inability to break from their instincts as a weapon. There were few women at her age, with her small frame, that strutted around construction sites and ordered men around. She loved it.
     "What are you lookin' at?" she asked impatiently. Charles looked up from the pine box to Julia and paused. When he talked, he said "I've gotta problem that I need to talk to you about. You're prolly not gonna like it." he said. Charles' accent had a faint touch of New England in it. Julia straightened in her chair and cocked her head to one side. "Why, you're not breakin' up with me, are you Charlie?" she smiled. Charles smiled back and thought lascivious thoughts as he always did when she smiled at him like that. When Charles had first met Julia back in 2000, his DNA had quickly done the necessary mental-math and told his brain that she was hot. She had all the things that Charles liked in a woman: She was strong-minded, attractive, and had a fierce southern accent. Her skin tone was amazing as well, Charles had thought. In a halfway romantic-lustful daydream, he thought to himself that her skin was like iced tea brewing in the hot sun--and she had fantastic breasts. Charles smiled back immediately and quickly glanced at the clock on the wood paneled wall, gauging. "We don't have enough time, honey. Even at your worst, you're not that fast." Julia chided. "Besides, if that was your intention you wouldn't be spendin' so much time looking at your desk." she followed. Charles smiled honestly and blushed a little. He and Julia had been having an affair for 3 years and unlike most affairs, it brought them closer and strengthened their friendship. They had successfully been able to manage their affair despite job changes and other unexpected events. "No, Julia, I'm not breaking it off. That's fricken' crazy. There aren't many ladies out there who are in my range now, y'know. I'm gettin' up there in age and waist size, babe. Besides, Jules, there just ain't that many pieces of ass like yours out there. Yours is one of a kind. It'd be like finding a fuckin' gold nugget in a stream and tossin' it away 'cause you're dumb enough to think you can find a better one." Charles said. Julia smiled a feather-light smile, acknowledging the endearment. "What's goin' on, Charlie?" she asked again. Charlie took a deep breath, then proceeded to unload everything he was told to tell her by the man named "Mr. Reeve".

Part 1: Life is All About Choices

2010-11-04T14:12:00.001-05:00

"Charles, I understand what you're saying but you really need to hear what I have to say about this." said Julia. "What the fuck do you care, Julia? I mean, seriously, do we have to have this same fucking discussion every single time I bring this up?" Charles replied. They sat across from each other on a picnic bench, the warm April sunlight cast an unintended aura over the park. As the couple's bickering began, two boys ran past their table with plastic swords while yelling challenges at each other. The birds in the trees above sang to and intimidated each other in typical Spring fashion. Julia was thankful that the kid's playground was more than out of earshot. Charles' language always deteriorated with his mood. "You should know how I feel about this by now. The fact that you keep pressing it is a good indicator of how you care about this relationship." she snorted. "I wish you would just let this go, already. You're not doing anyone any good by regurgitating this nonsense story and you certainly aren't doing yourself any favors." she followed. Charles sat and stared at Julia quietly, with his head resting in both hands. He rubbed his eyes, ran his fingers through his hair, and finished his gesture of exasperation by trying to massage his own neck. After a few neck rotations, he said "Fine; I can do this shit without you if I have to.". He started to stand up and take his legs from beneath the table. "No, stop!" Julia said, as she grabbed his hand. "Look, Charles, I don't mean to make you feel like you're crazy but you are not listening to the other side of this. Please exercise some objectivity here!" she pleaded. Charles looked down at her from his standing position with disdain and motioned to the park around him with his hand. "Julia, I am thinking fucking objectively here. I am thinking about all of these people. You included. This is fucking bigger than me. It's bigger than all of us. Fuck me!" he exclaimed. Julia lowered her gaze from his and fought back hopelessness. She lifted her head to say something but Charles had broken free from her grip and began walking away. Julia called out after him "Where are you going?!". Charles said nothing and continued to walk to his car in the parking lot. As he passed under the oak trees in the park, he began to descend down a gradual hill. From the top, he could see his car in the parking lot, the boat docks, and the shimmering San Francisco Bay. In the distance, he could see the Golden Gate bridge and all the cars moving over it. A sudden thought came into his mind and it made him shudder. He squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head quickly, hoping to shake it out. As he got into and started his car, he pulled out his phone and hit the 4th number on his speed dial.
"Yes?" a voice answered after two rings. "Did she listen to you? Is she coming?" the voice asked. Charles took a deep breath. "No. She wouldn't listen to me just as I told you she wouldn't. She thinks I'm crazy. I don't know what you expected to happen this time." he said. "Well perhaps you need a different approach, Churl." the Euro-sounding voice replied. "You know full well how important she is to the plan and she will join us whether she wants to or not." the voice followed.
"Then what do you suggest, Mr. Reeve?" asked Charles with a impetuous tone. "You leave that bit of business to me and save your energy for what is coming. You have failed but it wasn't unexpected. Make your way to Anaheim , as we originally discussed. We only have a few days to prepare ourselves and saving the right people should be your goal." Mr. Reeve said cryptically. "Who do I contact in Anaheim? I don't know a single fucking person there that could ---" Charles began to ask but was cut off. "Remember your place, Churl. Be silent and do as I tell you: Travel south to Anaheim and purchase a new phone. I will send you the new number via text message. After doing this, check in at a hotel near the Fullerton Municipal Airport. Do not contact me before then." Reeve snapped. Charles replied "I understand, sir." and the phone clicked. A couple seconds later, he received a text message with a new phone number. He jotted the number on a post-it pad that he kept in his console, then opened his glove box and took out a pair of gardening shears. He grabbed his phone, removed the battery cover, took out the SIM card and held it with his teeth. Charles then got out of his car and scanned the parking lot briefly. After seeing that no one was around he raised up his arm and threw his phone to the ground. He surveyed the crippled phone and crushed the remnants with his heel. Charles got back in his car and took the SIM card from his teeth. He used the shears to cut the card in half, then threw one half to the ground next to his shattered phone. Next, Charles held the other half between his fingers and studied it. After a brief pause he put the other half of the card in his mouth and swallowed it. After placing the shears back in his glove box, he backed up his car and made his way to the interstate. "Fucking Anaheim." Charles snorted.

God is with us and He brings a Gift (The Martyr)

2010-11-04T14:09:00.000-05:00

a halo that walked
the light in the cave
a fresh mound of dirt

the polearm: cradled
seven trumpets wail for one
a million deaths

wailing angel's tears
prayers offered, spare the rod
good of the many

Turn Away and See it Still

2010-11-04T14:07:00.002-05:00

they struggled, together and strove to forget
but knew this was something they'd never forget

he watched the quartet weave notes of magic,
the songs of his childhood he would never forget

sometimes it seems like time goes too fast,
but the best times in life you'll never forget

as a teen he walked often in a marijuana haze,
but the day his friend died he could never forget

when the light was gone, angels cried out in the night
and the scripture ensured we would never forget

while she stared at his empty place in their bed,
her anger assured her she'll never forget

and while each day brings so many new thoughts,
i know the ginko biloba wont let me forget

freak

2010-08-12T15:13:00.001-05:00

i dont know where you went off to

but im glad youre gone

you left an unsightly stain upon my life and i prefer your abscence

speck

perhaps you dont remember the insufferable imcompatabilites that we shared?

how you mewed and moaned about how life was unfair

child.

im glad you dont exsist anymore because you always dragged me down

you made me look like a fool and made me feel less than a man

tumor.

your abscence is the kindest gift youve ever given me

and i wish i had never known you

however:

without you i wouldnt know strength

or taste the freedom of responsibility

but the salty taste of your interruptions have graced me with the knowledge of experience and i prefer you dead.

cedar chips and water bottles

2010-08-10T16:19:00.003-05:00

there must be something more productive than

doing cartwheels in your mind

with only you as the witness of your marvelous

exploits;

pushing yourself to achieve your definition of perfection

its as though you were to have an audience applauding

every hand plant, every deft spin of your feet over your head.

more like daft.

whatever. push yourself to be more detailed. more complicated.

and, like the lens of the kalidescope, turn inward on yourself

the great thing about those fancy eye-glasses is how

simple they are in design yet complicated in action

dont look at me. i gave up on cartwheels and kalidescopes

a long time ago;

i destroyed a couple of friendships while trying

to demonstrate my awesomeness.

but at the end of the day, spinning cartwheels is just

like running around in a circle. whether the circle is perfect or not,

you never get from point A to point B; you spend your time

turning the hamster wheel and exhausting yourself.

but, whatever. ill just continue to abuse semi-colons and throw

grammar to the wind. its much easier to be the person

you accept yourself to be instead of trying to attain a level

of self-imposed perfection, hoping someone will notice and appreciate it.

i'm over that shit and dont have time for it. i guess that is one of those things

that tapers off as you get older and learn where your strengths lie.

not from the whispers and comments of trite and self-indulgent fucks

that smell their own farts, but in the understanding of the impact you make

everyday.

that is what my challenge is: being a good person. it isnt in my nature

and isnt my forte. however

i try.

i sometimes lie, cheat...but i dont steal anymore. i suppose

that is one less color in my kalidescope.

one less complicated piece of my

stupidly hard

puzzle.

maybe that blossoming simplicity

will spread like a terra-forming project. slowly and consistently.

but you: you are still a tundra being whipped by winds. your dirt

will not hold the roots that contain the water of your awareness. but that is the

greatest thing about making mistakes; you are presented with an opportunity

to get better or to continue down the wrong

path. it took me a long time to figure out that i was an asshole in all the worst

ways.

but regret and forgiveness are never a substitute for the loss of time; nor

grammar a good substitute for

wisdom.

biometaphorical eunuchs speak in riddles, i have been told

2010-08-10T15:52:00.003-05:00

"I don't know what I am doing", it said
"But I am doing it anyway, with sureness."
And it strode down the hallway with a glide that was riddled with confidence
Remarkably assertive in its ignorance, it shattered order.
"I don't believe I understand your motivations.", another voice told it
As it gleefully hummed what could be a victory march in its head
It coasted by and marveled at its ability to ignore and proceed
"I'm not sure if this way is the right way.", another voice spoke as they pointed to the left.
"Not to worry, for I now know where I am going this time", it trumpeted.
The floorboards creaked in their apprehension as it walked
The farther away from its real destination that it went,
The louder and obnoxious the floorboards grew.
"Will someone please fix this floor??", it asked.
Looking around sheepishly as if its directive should have been
Immediately understood and acted upon.
"I have reservations about this decision.", another voice said, softly, as it joined his walk, in tandem
"Perhaps it would be best not to be reckless."
"You do not see what I see and I do not expect you to understand.", it told the feminine voice; Quietly yet sharply.
"I don't need you questioning me, too."
"I need you to question yourself.", it whispered, its voice barely audible above the rising din of creaking floorboards and reluctant commentary.
One voice above the rest stood out, cutting like a hot iron brand on a cow's ass:
"This is inappropriate. Be mindful of your actions.", it told him.
With a rolling of eyes and a square set of shoulders the lead voice turned and began walking
Again. As it walked by open doors, it would peek its head in and issue
Forth commands: "You will follow me.".
Before too long, a reluctant group followed behind as unsure floorboards creaked and cracked in protest.
"With sureness.", it mumbled to itself as it continually looked for what it
Was looking for. While it had not seen this goal itself, it had heard about it from
Others that it looked up to. Those that inspired it. It wanted to find this for itself.
"I don't remember a choice to go about it this way.", jolted a comment from the back row of followers.
It just kept walking, believing such a question did not require an answer.
As it opened the back door, the door through which it originally came, it began to feel satisfied.
"This is the way we are going to go.", it told everyone. It pointed to one of the voices
That challenged his intentions from the beginning. "You can stay here, we are going without you."
The stunned participant turned slowly, uncertain, and walked the other way and disappeared through a doorway.
"This is what we are going to do. But first, I need all of you to exchange clothes with each other. Shirts, shoes, scarves, whatever." This was heard coming from from the lead voice. "I am sure of this. This is part of what I was told; what I see."
The group obliged with little dialogue. It was then observed how strange the group of voices appeared in each other's clothing. Some are now claustrophobic, others frumpy. A strange view: voices with the wrong clothes on. One voice stumbled with the inexperience of walking with a dress and heels. Quickly, the lead voice told them exactly how to walk despite having no experience itself.
The creaking slats on the floor are now buckling with their disapproval, splinters flying through the air as if several hundred toothpicks were regurgitated from the floor.
The buckles and cracks combined with the noise of shuffled and ruffled clothes caused an interesting cacophony.
"Perhaps it would be better to not rush headlong into something we aren't sure of.", asked another voice in the back, now closer that there is one less voice in the way.
"Faith is important to me. I hope it is important to you. Ultimately, you don't have to go with me, though I would rather you did. I know I this is the right way and we have established how ways are chosen.", it said with a puzzling sureness, despite its apparent inner questioning.
"Where are we going, then?", the voice retorted, now irritated by the continued ambiguity.
"I will tell you when we get there. Now walk like I am showing you now and only breathe on every third step."
The group of voices continued on, wearing each others clothing. Walking sideways and breathing in thirds, dodging uprooted wooden slats and a swarm of airborne splinters as they went backwards through all of the doors they originally came through not so long ago.
"With Sureness.", it continued to mumble as it lead the group of voices down dark halls with several doors that all looked like the right way, only they continued via direction from their leader. With sureness.

Grounded

2010-08-10T15:50:00.005-05:00

A costly turn of events

Saturn is worthless

A three year ending: too long

Whackoo

2010-08-10T15:50:00.004-05:00

To rest is to live

Thinking deeply recharges

A saint's blessing, yes

Cere's Last Moments

2010-08-10T15:45:00.004-05:00

As an unliving object

Ceres' song is an impossibility

She is whisked from her orbit

And brought to her master

Like a fish to the fisherman

Ceres sings all the way down

Never breaking stride

Never changing her tune

She sings until she kisses

The gaseous cheek of her father

And lights the sky in her fiery death

circling the Venetian lakes

2010-08-10T15:45:00.002-05:00

they traveled side by side across

the humid landscape

lightning and thunder crackled as the sea

churned beside them

europe was always beyond their grasp

yet they've come so much farther

together

they explored the planets and

the outer reaches beyond

lifetime after lifetime they

went through the endless depths

of the universe

nebulae and quasars, supernovae and

clusters

needing no camera to remember as they

shared eternity

they roamed to see all the things they'd never

seen

they enriched their

existences enjoying

the boundless oceans of outer space

until one day they came

upon a place where no stars

gave light to the dark

they embraced one last time

before plunging into the horizon

of eternity

their molecules

scattered and were thrown

into a universe that hadn't quite been

born

they were shot out

into blackness

to one day be reunited and travel together

again

underneath the undertow

2010-08-10T15:44:00.001-05:00

recalling past events
in a mudslide of second guesses are boulders of regret
and slabs of loosened words

as they pummel everything

they carve out the foundations and flatten natural formations

they leave a wake of destruction

as the scattered remains of the past
lie broken and naked in the sun
the liquids recede and reveal
the earthen consciousness, exposed

picking up the broken pieces of order
trying to make sense of it all
and putting it back together

makes humpty dumpty look like a few legos

but before long things get better
the tumult and torture of linear time
with her unforgiving singular moments
smooth out the cracks and crags

sense is made and order is restored

sadness is forgotten and guilt is thrown out

with the giant boulders of regret

crushed in the over-analyzing compactor

years and years after, those pockmarks
and the altered scenery stay. forever changed
like ghosts and shadows whispering subtle reminders
never really leaving

only asking forgiveness

full moon rising

2010-08-10T15:30:00.000-05:00

energy spent; fades
a tree fell in the forest
everything changes

the circles call the sixth

2010-08-09T22:45:00.002-05:00

he turned and started talking and brought it up again.

and his brother sat, stunned, as he brought it up again

the old couple sat in anguish as their past played out.

history has remembered their pain and brought it up again

she was furious that he wouldn't apologize, shaking,

and disappeared from his life until he brought it up again

he lifted the periscope, and his curse reverberated,

while the u-boat buckled as he brought it up again

i'll blow my brains out if i hear this shit once more.

if you hear an loud pop, it's because he brought it up again.

1 year later, having the same problems.

2010-08-05T09:02:00.001-05:00

the mind is without form and void

the space between terribly annoyed

french shoegaze does only so much

too little sleep just isn't enough

burning eyelids are painful stimulants

watch the saline carry me away

plug the ears from yapping sycophants

its true that nothing gold can stay

observation:

2010-07-20T13:53:00.000-05:00

"i find that people who focus on other people usually dont pay attention to their own actions or happiness and, when alone in the dark, their unhappiness consumes them and boils over. being a reformed curmudgeon i know that until they stop bitching about everything and just be still, nothing will be right in their world. for that, they deserve a 250 mile berth. but one thing they wont get is empathy. that is reserved for the poor, the crippled, the mentally feeble, and monica lewinsky. aside from them you are just an unhappy, bitchy person who would rather complain than get on; you just let the world go by."

A Problem and a Promise

2010-07-09T10:45:00.012-05:00

     Raemus sat on a lonely stilerium stump that was in the center of a giant, cavernous room. The walls stretched up and out for hundreds of feet all around him. Huge windows reached from floor to ceiling and were situated like the points of a compass. In a seemingly random placement, there were 16 large podiums that bore throne-like chairs, each holding a member of the Council. Beneath the single metal stump, there was a tarnished, circular grate that measured 4 feet across and sat decaying under a film of muck. Under the grate was darkness, with an occasional faint dripping sound from down below.
     Raemus sat hunched over with his head down, looking at the floor. The torso portion of his uniform had been removed and he sat, half-naked, before them all. His mottled skin was normally a jigsaw puzzle of assorted flesh tones, but today it was splashed with blood and cuts. He was breathing heavily—a deep pant mixed with the rattle of exhaustion. The two Nomans that had assisted with his correction lumbered mindlessly out of the chamber. As he watched his blood dripping onto the grate and into the nothingness below, he reviewed the past 24 hours in his mind.
     Elias Gellar had flown his transport ship from Dome Calimbus to a nearby dock station in order to transfer to a light-drive frigate. He assumed that since he had turned in Emilio Sanchez, he would have no reason to hide. He needed only to perfect his story to the Council and hope that he could remove himself from the problem. Gellar had never spoken to the Council, or any of their representatives, but he was confident that he could lie his way through his debriefing. Unfortunately, as soon as Gellar passed through the Transportation Arch while exiting his transport, the Nanscan technology built into the arch had detected anomalies in his nanomachine chemistry and electromagnetic output. From that moment on, he had been doomed. Granted, he was already in a lot of trouble for turning in a comrade but what had changed in him was far more dangerous. When Raemus had finally made it to the dock station, Gellar was already on a frigate to the gas giant Neptin. Raemus had barely taken fifteen steps into the station when he had heard an urgent Comm-notice from Central Core. It boomed over the station's communication grid:
     "Elite Officer Raemus, your presence is required before the Council and you are expected to report immediately," the notice said. "Shit," said Raemus. He’d made his way to the nearest Comm-station and requested a vidcon with a Council representative. The Comm-station was a screen with a keyboard that jutted out from underneath. Also, there was a speaker placed flush in the stilerium wall. The Comm-station was equipped with a silence cage to prevent eavesdropping by passersbys. As the screen flashed and brought up the image of a young woman, he could feel the electricity of the cage activate and the din of the station fade away. Raemus' forearm hair stood on end. When he spoke, his voice sounded like it was in a small box.
     "Captain Raemus: Elite Officer of Dome Calimbus, requesting specification of a recent Council communication," he said stoically. A woman appeared on the screen who was young and attractive. She had gray hair and alabaster skin. Her pupils were different colors - one blue and one white. It signified her station and purpose. She lowered her gaze and Raemus could hear the blips and bleeps of computer acknowledgments. She returned her plastic expression to Raemus and said "Captain Raemus, the Council requests your presence immediately regarding the situation concerning two Noman Drivers, Sanchez and Gellar. It appears that Gellar is a priority at this time. They are displeased with your inability to recover the Driver Gellar at the appropriate time. Your tools are plenty and your ways are minimal. I have arranged a light transport for you at this station. It leaves in five minutes." The screen blipped into a horizontal white line and faded out. Raemus heard the noise of the station coming back and his hair relaxed as the silence cage faded away. "Shit." Raemus sighed. Raemus pulled out his chronometer and bit his lower lip. He felt that he had to choose between capturing Elias or returning to Genetia and appearing before the Council. He turned away from the screen and headed toward the docking station, thinking about how he would kill Elias once he reached Neptin.
     Back in the Council Hall, Raemus watched his blood as it dripped onto the metal grate and listened to the silence crescendo inside his head. The Council had not said a word for what seemed like forever and Raemus didn't know what was going to happen to him. He heard a whoosh sound and boot steps approached him from behind. He turned to look and he saw his Co-officers Kadrin and Anderson. They both looked like shit; almost as bad as Raemus. Raemus was about to stand when he heard a booming voice fill the hall. "Captain Raemus, you and your Officers were ordered to return here to Genetia to review your mishandling of the escaped Drivers. You have all been addressed and corrected accordingly, and we expect immediate results when our orders are given. If you do not act accordingly thus forward, you, and all your progeny, will suffer in a life-extruding device for an indefinite amount of time. We have provided you the freedom of your mind so that we may all share in a common familial thread. It is a gift that can be rescinded. We will not accept any deviation from the orders we give you. That is a freedom you do not have."
     "You will now go, with your brothers, to the holding facility in the northeast pylon and retrieve the captive from his place of darkness. You will then give him to the light. Emilio Sanchez has taken a shuttle into uncharted space and is presently being tracked and is not an immediate concern. It appears that whatever multi-cellular reactions are taking place inside him, they do not appear to be as threatening as Gellar’s. You will address the problem of Gellar Elias immediately." The voice then fell silent. The word "immediately" echoed with warm and washed reverberation inside the chamber for almost a minute.
Raemus swallowed hard and pulled himself up from the stump. His legs briefly shuddered under his weight but supported him after a moment. A Councilwoman's voice began to swell and fill the chamber, "Be mindful of your actions, Raemus. And remember that we love you." Raemus looked up into darkness and responded in the same way a child would respond to a parent after they had been disciplined. "I love you too."
     The three Elite Officers turned and shuffled out of the Hall and, as the doors shut silently behind them, Raemus said to Kadrin and Anderson, "We are taking two hours to rest and repair ourselves. Then we go to the northeast pylon to retrieve that son of a bitch, Gellar. He'll get his light, alright." He gritted his teeth as he fantasized about what he was going to do to the fallen Driver. As they entered the magnalift and descended away from the Council Hall, Raemus' eyes glazed over and a wicked smile spread across his face. He activated his communicator and requested that an FPC to be made ready for flight. "FPC...? Where are we going, Raemus?" asked Anderson. "It's a surprise." said Raemus.

2010-04-26T15:53:00.000-05:00

sometimes i think of things that i believe should be on my wiki page...if i ever had one.

im recording this in the event that happens and, many years after my passing, might i be placed in a textbook to replace someone much more important...like thomas jefferson or something....

"the only security that you can trust in is that of a loaded shotgun, a steady hand and mind, and a criminal who desires more to cling to this mortal coil than to your material coin. "

The Shambled Muck Of Your Dreams

2010-03-05T00:21:00.002-06:00

wanting to forget
action of introspection
slip deeper, deeper

hiding faces smirk
young and old agree to die
often, such is life

react too late: miss
has the veil of life torn wide?
aqueducts channel

none ever more black
dissecting the skin of time
slight of hand = lie

frightened people shake
ossuaries fill with light
risen: they all come

evermore, they weep
varicose veins block cycles
eventide/morning

run to leave it all

Sadness

2010-03-05T00:18:00.000-06:00

bells break the silence
a clown falls from his speedbike
many teeth are crushed

a lead pipe breaks bone
neon blurs scar city streets
a girl dishonored

chimes ring with humming
the clowns are crushed by nothing
he wheezes through pain

one of five children
overcome with great power
uncontrollable

two bells ring at once
they realize what he is
armageddon time

the bells unified
his anger attacks them all
they watch in horror

fire from the sky
people pray to hidden gods
a burning city

colors dance and merge
bells and chimes sing together
sand melts into glass

he rises armless
a single speedbike breaks through
friends loyal to friends

he cant stop growing
inside himself, he is lost
the bells ring faster

drums overtake sound
o requiem tetsuo
o rest eternal

he sees akira
the giant blob grows more still
chimes screaming their song

tetsuo implodes
o neumure tetsuo
rest with akira

The Black Mass at the Gamboa House

2010-03-04T13:46:00.000-06:00

This is a re-write of "The Shadow over the Gamboa House."

Many a person in the fishing town of Haleysville would often happily offer their time and kindest conversation to stranger and friend alike. The people were a simple lot and were known throughout the parish for their hospitality, humility, and selflessness. However that hospitality is no longer known to this world. There are few alive now who remember it but on September 9th, 1899, the town of Haleysville, Louisiana disappeared forever. Being of the age I am now, I feel the need to record the events that led up to this horrific event before the account goes with me. Though I struggle with the thoughts, as they are still clear to me as if they just happened, I must share the events that transpired on that bizarre and terrible morning.

In the year 1899 I was a restless young man, many years before meeting my wife, and I set out to travel and get to know the country. I was determined to see the world unlike my sheltered parents who, despite their love and affection for me, could not satiate my desire for adventure. Being immigrants from the island of the Philippines, they had escaped oppressive Spanish rule and chose to live a simple life in the Americas.

I arrived at my first destination, Haleysville, quickly, being that it was only a few miles away from my native Mandeville. Haleysville was a small town not far north of Lake Pontchartrain, just east of the Tchefuncte River. In the year of 1800, it was founded as the village of Cocquille but was later renamed. Upon arriving, I made my way to the square to inquire about housing overnight. I had stopped in the Postal Office to write my first letter home. While I was only a handful of miles from home, I thought that sending a brief letter was symbolic of the beginning of my journey. While there, I met, and briefly spoke with, a wonderful couple named Martin and Allison Gamboa. They were middle-aged and just recently married. They were also of Filipino descent, which they told me was unusual in the southern states. Their two families had come over on the same sailing vessel from our native land and they grew up together here many years ago. When I first inquired about the absence of children, they immediately became bashful and reserved, waving the question away. We talked about our homeland, and of other non-important things, and quickly established a friendly rapport. Martin gave Allison a look that I could not read then offered me rest at their home just off the river. Being that I had not anticipated this need, I was glad to have a place to rest overnight before conveying myself overland once more.

We spent many hours on their porch which sat upon the bank of the Tchefuncte River, not far from the Pontchartrain delta, sipping whiskey and talking about the hugeness of the world. During our talks, Martin and Allison revealed a resevoir of local knowledge and history between them--much of which was rooted in the natural occurrences of the land surrounding the delta, the lake, and the brief history of the Halleysville. Martin claimed that his grandfather was a member of a local army who forced the savage Indians from this region and brought safety to the first Haleysville settlers. He even had trinkets that his grandfather kept to pass down through the generations, which he showed to me while in his study. There were tomahawks, pottery, feathers, and even a headdress that were saved, although, for what original purpose they were meant I could not say. The native Indian culture of the Americas was far different than that of my ancestors of the Pacific. However, all the trinkets were interesting and were things I'd not seen before. While on the subject of leaving memoirs for future generations, I asked again with curiosity why Martin and Allison had no children. While it was not unusual to not have children, I did think it was out of the ordinary with a couple at their age and newly married. Martin replied that they did want to have a child, admitting to having quite a bit of fun while attempting. He also admitted, much to my surprise, that sometimes, rather deviously, he would take a “last minute precaution” to avoid conception. At first I found this admittance rather odd; being that they were not young, it would seem they would be more than eager for their first child. My own religious and moral judgments did not appreciate his attempt at humor, but I kept my judgments to myself. I was confused at why he would not conceive with his wife if they wanted children as they said they did. I also kept my own future plans to myself, as I did not want to offer them without invitation. As it was, I felt too young and wild to see my country than to be settled with a wife and child.

Over the evening, Martin and I would talk at length about the folklore and legends of the Indians and this land they had lived in. He shared with me stories about a wild people that formed deadly war parties, where men would paint their faces in the images of their spirits to scare and intimidate their enemies. They would raid other Indian and American settler villages, stealing the women and removing the scalps from whatever men were left alive. He spoke of them with as much reverence as he did with thickening disdain. He said that the Indians worshiped ancient Gods of the Earth and, while brutal and savage to those they didn't know, they took great care to preserve their land and traditions for future generations. This he learned from Indians who had been “civilized” by trade and whiskey. Martin told me of a time where he actually met an Indian, many years ago. He yielded that the savage was one of the most intimidating men he had ever met, who had a way of looking through people and “speaking with his eyes”. This fact was an uncomfortable admission by Martin, as he did not appear to be one who believed in supernatural occurrences. Martin said that the brute he met was named Awenasa. He said that Awenasa was like a guardian of the savages and spent his life teaching them honorable values and lessons, although he followed that these stories of Awenasa were overheard by him and not a first-hand account. Martin said that Awenasa was a tall, sinewy man who looked to be over 30 years old, with a gait that was as much menacing as it was welcoming. When he met Awenasa, Martin said that he had long black hair and was dressed in a loincloth. He carried a small waterskin and a tomahawk at his hip and walked with an aura that either commanded attention or immediate egress. Aside from the things he carried, and his moccasins, he was naked to the world. Martin said that when Awenasa came through their village, he left an invisible wake behind him. A most perplexing picture came to my mind and I struggled to interpret its meaning. However, when I pressed him for more details, Martin was unable to comply. Martin said that even though his encounter was amicable, he felt an undercurrent of something very dark. This experience he felt in a matter of moments. He said that, looking back, he could never understand what about this man was so ominous.

Martin said that his grandfather told him some of the more stirring accounts he had heard. While I understand that Martin and I had indulged liberally in his whiskey, I wasn’t ready to hear the stories he recanted. He told me that when his grandfather was working to save this area from the Indians, he saw that these savages were disappearing into the woods without a trace. Not a sound could be heard from the woods even in the dead of night. When they would send scouts and dogs to follow, those that did not disappear would come back bewildered and empty-handed. His grandfather also told him that he witnessed these savages moving across the Earth at speeds that would embarrass his finest hunting dogs. "Paw Paw said it was because they live as the children of the Earth." said Martin. "The Earth yields to their passing like the coast yields to the rising tide." he followed. This was a troubling proposition and no furrowing of my brow would comfort me. It was the most peculiar thing I had heard in my young life. We had also discussed the religion of these savages and Martin provided some insight into what was best described as “Earth Magic”. "There's not a thing that's right about what they do for those Gods they worship." Martin said. "Those drums they use....the dances....have you ever heard how young Indians become men? It's downright wrong, son. "It ain't right." Martin said that his grandfather believed that the Indians cursed the Haleysville settlers when they were driven from this land and told him of hideous events during the 1850's and 60's. During that time, there were many babies born with their legs fused and with skin between their fingers, like flippers. The infants would have rough or scaly skin along their backs and necks. His grandfather said that the babies looked like mermaids. Martin's own father was lucky since he was born in the Philippines, just before coming to America, so he wasn't afflicted. But many babies were lost during this time—almost an entire generation. "You'll see this if you stay in town for long. There's a good lot of older folks and younger folks, but there ain't that many of 'em in between." he said. "That generation was lost to the curse." This conversation ran late into the night of September 8th. My head was full of Indians and Gods, magic and the supernatural. I decided to retire to their guest room, feeling a horrible knot in my stomach and a spinning in my head. I did not know if it was from over-indulgence of whiskey or the heavy conversation through the night.
I was woken by a strong wind that caused the nearby tree limbs to scrape the roof of the Gamboa’s house. I sat up in my bed and looked out the window to assure myself that there was no sudden storm approaching that would necessitate taking cover. I peered into the blackness, out towards the Pontchartrain and saw nothing except a gibbous light upon the lake and surrounding land. I was about to return to my rest, and was beginning to turn away, when I observed with immediate disbelief a large shadowy mass rise up out of the Pontchartrain and return below the water. At that moment, my mind could not conceive what my eyes beheld. I was almost overcome with a shock to my stomach and a foul taste in my mouth. I shivered violently and succumbed to the immediate need to avert my eyes, almost convulsing into involuntary prayer. The thing had disappeared but I recalled, in my mind's eye, a glistening mass that appeared to be a large fin. How large, I could not – and still cannot – say, but it was immense. I took a hard swallow and returned my gaze to the window; struggling against my instincts. When I looked upon the field that led up to the lake, the gibbous light offered an eerie glow and I saw a person that looked like Martin gazing out towards the river. I couldn't be sure since his back was to me but it looked like him. He wore a long cloak which was buffeted against his body in the stiff wind. I immediately dressed and ran out to meet him. He needed to know of the thing that came out of the water.

As I trotted up behind, I called out to him but he did not respond. I knew that the wind was not a factor because it was not nearly a gale nor tempest but stiff, nonetheless. When I was at arm’s length, I begged his attention once more. What sight I saw during the moments after must have been recorded in my mind by a miracle...or a chastisement from God. The being turned slowly to me and the first I saw of its face were two horns protruding out and up from its forehead, like those of a farm goat. I use the word "face" merely to convey the place where the horns came, as there was only a skull that was perched upon the hideous body that stood in front of me. Its teeth were sharply pointed and of all shapes and sizes, nonconforming to the usual teeth of man or beast. Despite the absence of flesh, the thing had the full beard of a man that was unkempt and full of leaves and twigs. What other disgusting collections that might be discovered therein, I dared not to think. Every frightened hair on my body stood on end and vibrated with adrenaline. My youthful knees begged me to either escape or fall to be devoured by this creature--but I could not move. I was paralyzed yet clamoring for my mind to give my body leave; my mind and its density were encompassed by the horror that struck me. I recalled the story of Job and begged not to understand why the Lord caused me to arrive at this very spot. "Let the stars of the twilight thereof be dark: Let it look for light, but have none; neither let it behold the eyelids of the morning". I was sure that either my life was at an end or I was trapped in a nightmare caused by fever. When I felt I could no longer bear to see this monster, it spoke to me in a voice that seemed rise up from the depths of the lake beyond: "The Anaye come to claim their dead. Yeitso comes to claim his flesh. Ye-Tsan, Al-Tah-Je-Jay, Tah-Bahn, Naz-Tsaid". The beast then turned around, walked into the river and disappeared.
Reviving the courage in my legs, I ran back into the house and woke Martin immediately. After convincing Martin that I very well may be crazy, I relayed what I had experienced on the grass outside his home. He was troubled in a sense that I did not expect. His face was gripped with a deep fear that rivaled my own, only he did not see what I saw outside. After a few moments, I begged a response from him. "My new friend..." he said slowly, "...we are doomed.” I leaned back, sharply, as if he had tried to slap me; I had no more use for doom this night. "Charles, this thing that you saw was not a dream. It is of ancient Indian folklore; a demon that brings ill tidings. If you did indeed see him, then we are all in grave danger and we must leave now.”

Martin stared at the ground for a few moments and swallowed hard. “Charles...Allison..there is something you should know. Something that I think you may find important.” Martin began talking about his grandfather. His grandfather was responsible for ridding this land of savage Indians. But the way he chose to ensure they would never come back was more horrible than anything I could have imagined. The real story about his grandfather is one of atrocity and shame. His grandfather was not a member of any local army or militia, although he had been at one time. He was a wealthy land-owner that hired men to clear this land at all costs so he could have access to the river and lakefront. His grandfather wanted control of the shipping and fishing industry that was growing and spreading to the west. He was responsible for the deaths of thousands of peaceful people; men, women, and children. When they had finished slaughtering or driving out all the Indians in the area, they disposed of the bodies by burying them in mass graves, burning them, or tossing them into the Tchefuncte and Pontchartrain. When neighboring Indian villages heard of this and demanded justice, they were either bought off with whiskey and horses or overwhelmed by force.
When Martin finished, there came a swift knock upon the door of the Gamboa house. Martin stood up briskly and looked at me with pale-faced concern. The hour was late and Martin’s home was not a short walk from town. He walked to the door and demanded the identity of the person on the other side. I followed with Allison, who fought to keep herself composed, but we paused in the sitting room, paralyzed with fear. A voice answered Martin's request through the door. The hollow, muffled voice said: "You know who I am." Martin turned to face us, his face white and body trembling with fear, then returned his attention to the door and moved to open it. As his hand approached the handle, it turned on its own and the door opened inward without permission. Martin backed away, almost stumbling on his feet, with his eyes fixed to the door. It had opened fully and produced a ghostly image of a tall Indian man with long black hair. He was dressed with a loincloth and bead dressings upon his chest. His hip was decorated with a tomahawk and waterskin. It was Awenasa returned and he looked no more than a day over thirty years! I blinked my eyes, hoping they would correct when re-focused, but there he stood as he must have when Martin was a child: tall, sinewy, and full of an inexplicable energy. He gave a hard stare at Martin that caused him to fall to his knees and bleat out all sorts of prayers from the Holy Bible. Awenasa ordered him to stand and said: "You know why I have come?" Martin shook his head quickly and stood there, frozen. Awenasa only stared at him more intently, the eerie darkness of his eyes seemed to pour out and grab Martin; shaking him. Martin trembled and yelped like an animal caught in a bear trap. He stumbled to his study and gathered up all the Indian relics his hands could carry. While Martin was in the study, Awenasa looked at Allison and I; we were both shocked to stillness. Awenasa looked at me and his voice echoed in my head "Ye-Tsan, Al-Tah-Je-Jay, Tah-Bahn, Naz-Tsaid". I covered my ears but I still heard it ringing between my ears. Poor Allison collapsed to the floor--I am sure from the same affliction. I hurried to ease her fall and tried, without success, to revive her and laid her on the floor in as comfortable manner as able. Martin scurried in from the study with a small cache of trinkets, weapons, and artifacts and stood in front of Awenasa, trembling. As he ran across the sitting room floor baubles and trinkets fell from his hands and either bounced from or broke on the floor. He approached Awenasa with his hands full, trembling. Awenasa picked out the headdress from the jumbled mess and put it over his head, adjusting it. When it was seated properly, Awenasa began to glow eerily with a faint blue light. His back straightened and the faint outline of a skeleton could be seen beneath his flesh. Martin’s hands fell to his sides, dropping everything he held. He was then as stiff as the wooden planks beneath his feet. Awenasa spoke aloud "Yeitso comes to bring justice for my people. Your people wanted this land and you shall have it forever more." He then turned from us and walked out of the house, towards the river. Martin followed him out on to the grass and I followed soon after. Drums could be heard in the distance in a rhythmic drone that sounded like a giant heart beating over the lake: "THOOM-thoom, THOOM-thoom, THOOM-thoom, THOOM-thoom!”. Martin turned from pursuing Awenasa and looked at me. No human being had ever communicated the inescapable fear I saw on his face. I was about to insist we take Allison and leave this place at once when his eyes shot open so wide, I could see not only my reflection in them but a giant black mass behind me.

I turned to look at what had shocked him and was soon struggling to control my mind as well. There, at the lake shore, rose a thing that I still struggle to describe with modern language. The thing had risen out of the water again but refused to sink! It continued to rise up out of the depths of the Pontchartrain, casting a shadow over the land as it stood. It seemed to be the size of a mountain and its presence demanded nothing short of stricken awe. It was a dark green perversion of nature, casting black slime and murky water over the shore as it stood. It was humanoid in shape, with fins along what could be considered its arms, legs, and down its back. Its hands were equally gigantic and its fingers armed with huge claws that glistened with a sickly green-black. Its entire body was covered with large scales that reflected unique prisms of moonlight that were tainted with sea-green shades. While I did see the monster's head, I cannot and will not bear to describe it. It is enough for me to say that I will not communicate this horror to any living person, so long as I live. The most unholy and sickening of all was the sluggish and deafening bellow that issued forth from the inside of that abomination. It was as if a giant locomotive sounded its whistle at the bottom of the ocean. I could feel the sound strike by body and could smell the awful breath of the thing. I clapped my hands over my ears to remain conscious but was soon nearly overcome from the awful smell that followed the roar. The stench was worse than the stink of decay if all the things that had ever existed had died and rotted together, under the water. I turned to yell at Martin that escape was beyond dire but when I looked at him, he was lost in fear. His eyes were stuck; frozen in fright while beholding this thing. His skin was most assuredly white--whiter than the whites in his huge eyes. His arms were flaccid, loose at the sides of his body--which was trembling uncontrollably. He did not respond to me; only mumbled the following phrase: Abandon, Shore, Attack, Beach, Kill. I shook him violently and pleaded for sanity to take over his actions but he would not respond, only repeated this phrase louder...and louder...and louder!

The Earth shook beneath my feet and I could hear the creaking of wood and shattering of glass. I looked behind me to see the behemoth had taken a full upright step towards us, though still in the water. It started upriver, avoiding land. When it stepped forth, a wave of lake water splashed over the river banks. I turned from this sight and ran inside the Gamboa house, looking for Allison. I stopped short at the doorstep when I saw two decaying skeletons, dirt and rotted flesh gripping their bones, wearing tattered loincloths and head dresses hovering over her motionless body. I screamed out for Allison but only roused the attention of the undead beings which reminded me of vultures. They stood to full height and began making their way to me. They each carried bloody skin and knives in their hands, leaving Allison's face and neck stripped and oozing blood all over. I took no time to guess her fate and darted from the door. As I ran around the house, I could hear the monster shambling up the river as it roared; the deafening roar was accented by its stride, the sound of water splashing, and the house buckling from each monstrous step. I ran around the house and was making my way to the stables in back of it when I saw sections the Earth, in several places, buckle as mounds formed and writhed. Rotted and skeletal hands darted out from the ground and started to scrape away the surface dirt to allow the attached, rotted bodies to follow. Several more re-animated skeletons were pulling themselves out of the Earth and lurching towards myself and the house. There were also horrendous undead legions rising from the water, rotted clothing and gore hanging from them. As I made it to the stable and saddled a horse, I knew the great beast was very near. I bade the horse to flee with all possible haste and began to make my escape, no, to scurry with great force away from the Gamboa house. I had traveled east a quarter-mile, away from the Tchefuncte, when I saw that the Earth was no longer vomiting its dead and slowed the horse. I turned around to look at what was behind and, in the moon light, I could see an army of skeletons converging on the Gamboa house with a giant looming over it. With a maddening roar, the beast brought down one of its massive arms and flattened the house with one strike. The house exploded and splintered wood shot out in all directions. The ground beneath me shook with such violence that the horse fell over. Before I could remount the animal I heard what sounded like thunder approaching but there were no clouds. As the horse stood and I mounted, I saw what was making the noise. The great monster struck the Earth with such force that it began to split from the impact like ice buckling from too much weight! As I watched, the cracks in the ground were shooting away from the river, and towards me, like bolts of lightning. I turned the horse around and made it run as fast as it would go, barreling away from the river with unbelievable intensity.

I raced the horse back to Mandeville that morning and made my way to the Sheriff’s office. I alerted the authorities to the calamity I witnessed, trying to convey my story with the least amount of insane zeal possible. When they did not listen, I begged them to follow me to Halleysville. Two Marshalls were visiting town that day and offered to take the short ride and we left back for Halleysville just after noon. When we finally returned to the outskirts of town, we were struck by bewilderment and confusion. The first Marshall turned to his friend and asked "Isn't this where it ought to be, Jonah?" Jonah looked around with squinted eyes and said "Yep. Where the devil is the town at? The well should be right here!" We made our way down the road that should have lead us through the square and saw nothing except bare Earth. There were no buildings or homes anywhere. Not a trace of any human existence to be seen. We then made our way to the Gamboa property and were forced to stop. Giant cracks in the ground acted like fissures, preventing our passing. There was no house, though, in the distance. No stable. Not even the trees that surrounded it. Everything was gone except a giant cove that we all were sure never existed before, with huge cracks that radiated from it like the rays of the sun. The most disarming feature of all was the Tchefuncte River. One of the Marshalls, Jonah, told me that in the bright light of day it was always a deep calming blue-green. On the late morning of September 9th, 1899, however, it ran red like a canal of blood.

Like Music for Food

2010-02-25T14:55:00.000-06:00

He was a stone as he sat on the bench, headphones humming. He thought it was a good song. This was a good song, but not because of the production quality, or the musician's ability. This was one of those songs where the music was pitched just right and the flow of the song was perfectly executed. The genre didn't matter and neither did the words of the vocalist. This was a song that literally washed over him and sent sound waves throughout his body. He could feel the hairs on his body stand up from his neck to his forearms and it happened in a rhythmic way. It was as if he were in a baseball game and could see people on the other side of the stadium start a wave, then watch as it moved over to his side. His hair wave was signifying how awesome this song was to his body. As the song passed over and through him, he kept his eyes closed as he envisioned every note colliding with his ear drum.
This was something that Robert needed today. Sparse and creamy notes to block out the shit outside the headphones. The album ended and Robert took off the headphones to wrap them up and put them in his pocket. As soon as he turned off his iPod, he heard it. It was a wailing; a child screaming. He took out his earbuds and the shrill shriek slapped him across the face. He looked to his right and left, scanning the sidewalk for the baby. He didn't have to look far. The old town square of Greenville was a lot like most any town square. Robert was sitting in front of the old Masonic hall that was now a newspaper printing company. To his right was the candy store, followed by the hardware store, and the steakhouse. The screaming kid was in it's stroller, angry and trying to get out. It looked like a girl, giving the pinks and purples of her clothes. Her mother sat at her side on the bench, in front of the candy store, reading a magazine of some kind. She appeared to be ignoring her the same way most mothers did with their children screaming in public. The girl's face was smeared with chocolate, which Robert assumed was the reason why she was angry: No more chocolate.
The little girl's expression of anger tore through him as it always had done. Robert was physically and emotionally affected by the crying of children. He didn't know why. When he was growing up, his Mom would smack his sister for being a bratty little shit. Sometimes she would get smacked for fucking with him in the car or for fucking with him at home. She was a bratty little asshole of a sister. Almost every time she would start crying after getting smacked, although he knew she deserved it, he would start to cry himself. This really pissed his mom off. I mean,really pissed his mom off. Especially since he was the one bitching to her about his asshole sister in the first place. Sometimes he would get the shit smacked out of him, too. He couldn't help it, though. It was like a hypnotic trigger. It was as if he could interpret the actual meaning of the crying and sobbing as a pure language and it pierced him in the chest. Where his mother and sister shared the gene of mean-spirited assholery, he was given the gift of feeling too much at the wrong time. This was not what he wanted to hear and certainly not this soon.
He got up and wiped his nose and eyes as he walked in the opposite direction. Robert stood just over six feet and carried himself at a generous 260 pounds. He was dropping weight, though, from his commanding 310 pound triumph that he achieved early last year. He had lost his most recent girlfriend along with the weight, too. Although she was the reason for his weight loss. When they had met, Robert was built like a brick shit house and scared the shit out of most all the guys in town. Uncharacteristically, he had fallen into a moderate depression after his best friend died in a freak accident on the river and stopped working out. It's hard when your workout buddy breaks his head open on a rock. He took up reading and listening to music as his hobbies and it hit him hardest in the waistline. It felt like only two weeks had gone by when he looked in the mirror and saw an upright-walking manatee looking back at him. By then it was too late. His girlfriend was already cheating on him and only broke up with him so she could take her new relationship public. Ever since his girlfriend left him, he would go to the square and zone out to his music whenever he got hungry. He began supplementing music for food, which resulted in weight loss but also an increasing library of music. Today was like any other, aside from the screaming girl. Robert finally composed himself as made his way back to his house to get dressed for work.

My new band:

2010-02-25T10:56:00.002-06:00

Antero Sleeps

when vulcans make you sad

2010-02-24T10:19:00.004-06:00

so, my good friend eric is leaving friday for portland to start a new career and a new life with his fiancee.

there isnt anyone on this planet who i am happier for at this moment. eric has been looking for a long time for both love and a big change in his career.

at the same time, it sucks having one less person around who understands me and my humor or who is actually plugged into my life. i dont have any other friends who actually wants to see isabella. actually, izzy doesnt ask to see anybody but eric.

so, because of this i am battling some low-grade depression at the ending of this chapter of our friendship. eric is one of my oldest and closest friends who i wasnt in touch with for a while. him coming to austin and getting in touch with him again
has been awesome, as he has been that friend who could give me the straight shit, knowing that is what i wanted.

i didnt think i would be this bummed about it but i didnt think it would happen this quick. either way, change is good.

at any rate, i am happily seeing eric off to his next destination but am secretly hoping he fails miserably and comes back to austin. only so that we can keep going to mary moore for 18 holes with izzy, hitting up veggie heaven to talk shit about people at work, and laughing about dumb shit like back to the future movies.

the only living vulcan i know is off to find a new frontier. :(

live long and prosper, dude.

communication barriers

2009-12-08T17:01:00.000-06:00

are often accompanied by frustration looseners.

and stress might sometimes be a dish best served with someone
who also is prepared for the eclectic menu.

i do not

2009-12-02T22:59:00.001-06:00

bejewel anything. i hold the video camera.

Dear Izzy

2009-12-02T14:35:00.002-06:00

taunya and i have created a blog for izzy to leave notes, thoughts, and instructions. our hope is to have an online database where she would be able to see our feelings on all that goes on while bound to this mortal coil.

Dear Izzy is the name of the blog. anyone who is interested can get a log in to leave their own notes, too. just ask us.

the stride of the nephilim

2009-12-02T11:00:00.003-06:00

clouds sliced as it walks
the drums of the earth erupt
a terrible wake

the mountain lurches
the crust of the earth gives way
a requiem sounds

birds swallow their songs
the salt of the earth cower
a shadow covers

darkness in daylight
the heart of the earth lies still
an earthen hammer

screams engulf silence
the people of the earth, squashed
a bloody footprint

clouds sliced as they walk
the drums of the earth, silent
a crimson tide

of the forgotten
from the earthen gods he comes
a mountain marches

ch..ch..ch..changes

2009-11-17T17:05:00.001-06:00

there has been change in the air over the past few months. i have seen it with family and friends and am not even close to envious. its hard to accept change when you arent ready to. its a bitch.

lately change has been knocking on my door and peering inside my windows, looking for a way in. ive always thought that its best to be the change you want to see instead of waiting for whatever comes along.

quitting cyclops was a big deal. its like ending a relationship before having someone else lined up first. i guess, in a way, i need some of that alone time. ever since joining M.O.D., i have been in a productive, performing band. ive found that in those bands, i learned something important about myself, and the people i was with, that i found deeply important to me.

when i was in M.O.D., i realized that i had the ability to roll with the "road dogs" and stand up next to industry legends as if i belonged there. it was a testament to how hard i played all my life and the work ethic i apply to my music. granted, it wasnt my music, but i played hard nonetheless. working with billy and scott gave me invaluable insight to REAL life on the road and how life-long musicians must "face the music" at some point. i realized that i dont want to be driving 600 miles overnight to make a show just to spend 2 hours in a venue to do it all over again. i realized that i didnt need to fill clubs to be happy (although it sure helps!). i also realized that, at no matter what stage of success you are, hard work is hard work. no matter what, if youre not a commodity in the music biz, you will be broke. i didnt want to be there when i was 40 with no family, no money, and an aging legion of fans who were quickly forgetting who i was. M.O.D. taught me that my home life was more important and that i didnt need anybody to be successful in music. lastly, it finally made me confident that i was good in music. if a pair of platinum album selling artists want you in their band after one audition, youre pretty good.

dark water taught me a lot about communication and identifying whether or not your communication is effective. it was also the polar opposite of M.O.D. i also learned what to do if it isnt working for you, then its ok to just go. get out while the getting is good. because of my experience with dark water, i learned that it isnt bad to just up and quit a band because you dont like whats going on. bands are like relationships and unless you are married, you are your own person. although i have regrets with things that were said and done, i wouldnt change a thing. at the end of the day, i found that friendships were more important and that mature people can agree to disagree and still be cool.

cyclops taught me that i can never really have fun in a band again. not after M.O.D.. its all fun and games until someone no-shows to practice. once you start scheduling shows, the game is over too. also, when you have your best communication hat on, people still hem and haw about, waiting for change to come to them. i had the most fun in cyclops than almost any other band ive been in but, in the end, sometimes douchebags fuck it up for everyone. in cyclops i learned that my work ethic really is only useful when i am in charge and telling people what to do. also, really listening to what people say had a big influence in how that all turned out. i decided to quit when i realized that not everyone was really into it but wasnt really game to come forward with it and make a change. no one wanted to throw down a gauntlet, as far as i was concerned. i had a lot of other things that i wanted to do that the band took priority over, despite the fact that it was losing it's loving feeling.

now its time i focus on my family a bit more and try to be more productive in my home. i have 6 months left to complete my first degree in masonic education and want to spend serious time getting in shape.

i had to make a change before everything stagnated and fell apart.

this attitude also has to do with friendships. i feel that my friendship with dan is over. am i neatly tucked into my own subjective blanket in regards to how this whole thing came about? sure. but if i felt that dan or megan were really trying to act on their spoken gratitude, i wouldnt feel this way. when i said i didnt care about how they spent their money, i didnt mean that i was cool with them blowing money the whole time they were here. when i said that i didnt care what they did in the room they rented, i didnt mean that they could trash it and put their posters all over the walls, then not bother to thoroughly clean the room when they left. when i brought them out with my friends, that didnt mean that i was giving them my friends. i dunno. there is a lot of shit in that situation that i feel burned by. part of me thinks that it was meant to be this way. part of me thinks that all i was doing was paying back a debt that i owed to dan (since he helped me move here) and that now the debt is paid, there is no reason to know each other. i guess it might have to do with the fact that dan is still the same old dude who just coasts through life and lives by and at the expense of others. it sounds harsh, but i helped dan out a lot through our friendship and feel as if ive been taken advantage of. ive already said most of this to him but it really didnt make a difference. megan stealing from me sure as hell made the friendship easier to write off. dear, old, clueless dan (bless his little heart), didnt even know his girlfriend stole from me. how is that for a close relationship? when he found out, he wasnt even shocked. just asked me if i wanted it back. like it was nothing. he, more than anyone else, knows how i feel about having a thief in my house.

i have a feeling that dan and megan have become real close to ben and heather (from cyclops) and that ben/heather may be sympathizing with dan/megan. it sounds ridiculous but things have become strangely quiet between the four of us. before dan and megan came into the picture, things were much different. perhaps it is meant to be? maybe dan coming here was more for ben than dan? i dunno. i do know that this is the last time i stick my neck out for anyone. dont fuck with me if you owe me. am i going to call him out? no. why? whats the point? ive learned that calling people out really doesnt do anything except make you out to be the asshole. i would rather be an asshole because i set out to be the asshole, not because i am trying to communicate being burned and someone perceives me to be an asshole. big difference. i want the power.

anyway, so i decided to quit the band and leave some friendships in the past because i felt change coming and didnt want to be a victim. i dont do well in that position, i think. either way, im not going to let other people or situations dictate how my life progresses. friendships are like leaves from a tree...just hope and pray that your tree is an evergreen. cause if you dont watch out, youll be pelted by acorns, drowned in pollen, and will be cleaning up the mess all on your own on a cold, wet afternoon.

The Honest Scrap Award

2009-11-11T23:04:00.005-06:00

so, i was pleased to see that i received a nod from sarah (thatsagirlscar). its nice to be recognized/acknowledged, especially involving something creative (i must also admit that being called a "sci-fi" writer by someone who is much more educated than i am is a head-expander). being honest is a challenge, especially coming from my background.

so, anyway, here are the requirements of the reward:

1) Say thanks and give a link to the presenter of the award.
2) Share “10 Honest Things” about myself.
3) Present this award to 7 others whose blogs I find brilliant in content and/or design, or those who have encouraged me.
4) Tell those 7 people they’ve been awarded HONEST SCRAP and inform them of these guidelines in receiving.

1. ive had insecurity issues since i was a kid and still have them pretty bad. thanks to my libran nature i also have huge indecision issues. i have really been tested over the past few months with friends, room mates, band mates...and in a rather geeky case, forum members. to get over these issues, i developed a "fuck the world" attitude in my late teens. while it has been tempered some as ive gotten older, i still have my moments. someone doesnt like me? fuck em, there are millions more people. things not going my way today? fuck it, there is always tomorrow. friends not there for you? fuck them, there are more friends around the corner. i feel empowered by being able to drop it all on a dime and never look back. ever.

2. "behind every man there is a great woman...". yep, this pertains to me. when taunya and i met, i was pretty fucked up and was headed down a road of drug abuse and less-than-acceptable coping skills. its kind of scary to think where i would be now if i hadnt met taunya. (actually, i would probably be living at home, working out of a tattoo shop or video game store and spending all my money on dr pepper, pot, or video games) anyway, i am the man i am (good or bad) because of her undying support for me and selfless desire to see me happy.

3. i am a boy scout. seriously. help ladies across the street boy scout. i have performed thousands of hours of service across north america. on an alabama-coushatta reservation, we cut down live trees and used them to build a bridge across a large stream. 50 foot tree, to be exact. in canada, we camped out in algonquin park and picked up litter while we were there. in the yucatan peninsula, we camped out on the beach and harvested hawksbill(?) sea turtle eggs and helped hatchlings make it from the sand into the gulf. ...also planted trees (for tomorrow).

4. i have terrible teeth issues. inherited them from my dad. when i was a kid i used to have those nightmares where my teeth fell out. when i was 24, they started to fall out for real. and break. seriously, i broke two teeth in one year on olive pits. pain. i think ive totalled up over 5000.00 in work that i need done. im one of those people that covers their mouth when the laugh or smile.

5. i love cartoons. just the good ones. old merrie melodies, warner brothers, tom and jerry, ren and stimpy, and recently, spongebob squarepants.

6. i am a true to death loyal friend. there are a lot of people i know but few that i can count on. if i put myself out there for you, its cause i care about you. if i care about you, it would be to your benefit not to screw me. i am easy to forgive but i am not afraid to write people off. seriously, if you piss me off in the right way ill write you off forever and never look back. life is too short to get shit on by people who call you their friends. however, i will drive 200 miles to pick you up if your car breaks down or open my house to you if you need a place to stay. then cook breakfast and dinner for you and wash the dishes when i am done. all i need is a sincere "thank you" and a joint. ....but dont you dare screw me.

7. despite the fact that i can play guitar well, i still dont think im good. in fact, ill never think that im good. period. this also applies to every creative thing that i do. no amount of praise will be enough. money, however, will do.

8. im afraid of heights. not in the same way people are afraid of snakes or roaches, but if i get close to an edge i start to tremble uncontrollably. i picture myself falling over the edge and smacking into the ground. every time i picture myself hitting the ground, huge chills run up my spine and my jaw clenches hard.

9. i desperately want to be respected for my intellect even though i am uneducated. one of my biggest insecurities is being thought of as an idiot. i know a lot of people who are way smarter than me and its sometimes hard to find a way to reconcile that insecurity. usually, i just bow up and talk about how i played bass for M.O.D.

10. i am still angry about losing my hair at 22 and will never get over it.

7 blogs:

Taunya-She always inspires me to do the right thing (unless she is pissed) and her blogs always show me a different side of her perspectives on our life. she is much better at describing her thoughts than i am and has a natural wit that she consistently plays down. she seriously needs her own editorial column.

Fanger's Follies while there isnt much on this blog, robbie has one of the most vivid imaginations of anyone i have ever met. he also blogs on Fanger's Twilight Tales, on World of Fangarius blog and on his Myspace page. you wont find many others with more knowledge of dr who or the twilight zone, nor capable of writing a competent video game review. lastly, despite his alienation from the rest of the human species, when robbie comments on human nature he is spot on and usually holds us humans to the highest of high standards.

sarah (thatsagirlscar) youve gotta thank the people who acknowledge you, right? not to mention that my ridiculous stories feel less strange next to a cockroach love story in the making. sarah and i share the insecurity of never being totally good at our creative-ness. i moreso than she, since i have no real grasp of proper english grammar.

J.D.'s blogJD is a terrific artist and writer. one of the few humans left who tries their best to be a good person to everyone. if you like reading blogs, free verse poetry, stargazing, cloud watching, viewing art, and listening to avant garde music/noise, it's worth stopping by his myspace page. hes also one of the few friends that i have left, whom ive known for ten years or more.

im stopping at 5... i have to thank Laurie for organizing and maintaining the thirty days of write group. some of my best writing has happened since joining this group and, without it, i would still be staring at the screen wondering what to write about.

nothing is more frightening

2009-11-04T21:10:00.001-06:00

than a geekier geek than you.

single white musician

2009-11-03T10:37:00.004-06:00

no, taunya and i are just fine.

i decided to leave cyclops yesterday due to scheduling issues. not the most fun thing for me to do but i felt that i needed to make a change in my life before i was forced to at a more inappropriate time.

so, ill be concentrating on my masonic work over the next 8 weeks. its something that ive been needing to do for a long time and has always been on my back burner.

along with being daddy and husband, and working out and playing basketball, i still have a full plate.

Clocks, Butterflies, and Wounded Birds

2009-10-29T11:38:00.002-05:00

brows furrowed; thoughts entwined
trouble washes over and clouds the mind
frustrated; a decision to make
what to keep and what to leave behind?
frustrated; a new course to take
turnabout on the face of a dime
smash the clock to buy some time

butterflies need ten days to change
time is hard to grasp, harder to cage
cornered, it's best to come out swinging
the right path has hard odds to wage
is it wrong to hear a caged bird singing?
no, it's more than simply coming of age
it's to know when it's time to turn the page

...

2009-10-14T20:23:00.001-05:00

control:elusive

Phantasma/Waking Life

2009-10-14T10:11:00.003-05:00

"...Utterly fantastic, utterly terrifying, utterly powerful, and utterly unpredictable. I have even been known to carry a passenger inside the pulsing redness of his own beating heart, and leave him there. Because you see it is my its my reason that I strip away the layers and layers of ego: the protective security blanket that shelters you all. and i can bring him to the incredible world of his own deep brain dream-scape. of course, when he actually gets there, he may be terrified by what he sees...but that's his problem. Not mine."

from Behold! The Monolith's LP.

it is most sad

2009-10-13T23:37:00.000-05:00

the life is gone

2009-10-13T23:33:00.002-05:00

two-thirds are not here
despite roommates: emptiness
the vacuum pervades

it is better to forgive than to receive

2009-10-08T13:30:00.003-05:00

he said to himself that it is better to forgive
while the company he kept asked whether to forgive

gnashing teeth and clenching jaws only cause distress
when ultimately you know it is better to forgive

wondering, woefully, if there might ever be closure
a part of her shuddered, vowing never to forgive

through blurred eyesight he fought back his feelings
swallowing, he saw it was his endeavor to forgive

although she understood his numerous transgressions,
there was never any intention, whatsoever, to forgive

they had a strong and happy friendship when younger
but their close ties, he knew, he must sever to forgive

his love redefined loyalty and respect a thousand times
and, no matter what, he would do whatever to forgive

though i understand time erases wounds and pains
at this moment, i find it much more clever to forgive

Fall

2009-10-08T13:27:00.002-05:00

it's not permanent
transgressions counted; two hands
a world of problems

wilson stole our book, too

2009-10-06T14:30:00.003-05:00

when listening to you play music now,
i hear floating notes that i dont know.
something's different
there is something that doesnt fit:
a vibration, a muffled note, loose strings
i dont know
what i can say is that it's not the same.
i think about the past instead of listen to
you
i guess the years apart changed my ears.
maybe its me or maybe something in
you changed
either way, i wish it were still 2002
and we were singing about beer and
living easy
maybe thats just the way life goes and
the sad truth is that the good music
is over

Hello October...

2009-10-04T23:42:00.001-05:00

Jumble

2009-09-22T16:07:00.004-05:00

planetary bumbling offers complicating
orbiting stones that emit exorbitant consequences
the pulling and stretching of gravity pervades
and just as the tides are in flux, so are my thoughts

ticking hands activate brassy chimes and
translate time perception as an illogical mess
the seconds pass and i am given cause to be still
knowing that my actions can sometimes disrupt

surreptitiously counting the ways, intending to argue
and issue ultimatums; justified is an understatement
experience interrupts and presents what wisdom hangs
in the disorganized closets that occupy my mind

irony is best displayed by a beating with an olive branch
blindfolded and jogging while being stabbed in the back
too many stressful distractions can cause buildings to fall
"something's gotta give" should be printed on every dollar

30Dow, Day 14: Politics and Gov't--Agree to Disagree?

2009-09-15T14:32:00.031-05:00

Day 14 Topic

Politics, anyone?

I think I'll just quote the man himself to start this off:

"Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few."--George Bernard Shaw

Politics is a rather easy topic to go off on. I enjoy it. I don't mind anyone disagreeing with me just so long as they understand these are my opinions. You might be shocked at how easy I am to talk to about this stuff but don't expect for me to agree with you.

*amendment--my friend kolby suggested i clear up the language at the outset. i am not arguing for or against any of these topics. i believe that this crap is here to occupy your mind on a daily basis. these are my thoughts on how they should be handled and why i think that our country is headed for idiocracy. feel free to flame away because it only makes you look like an ass.

I'm not a conservative, though I believe in fiscal conservatism. I also believe that moral laws provide a foundation for a justice system. Moral laws but not necessarily those derived from religion. For those that aren't aware, morality is something that is in our DNA--you should try looking it up. Anyway, I believe that the government should not be involved in an American's daily life.
I'm not a liberal, but I believe that it is the gov't's duty to provide and protect the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness for all Americans. I believe that the government should stay out of personal decisions (this is contradictory for most liberals because they want government to stay out of individual lives, yet they want more government programs aimed at specific demographics at the expense of everyone).

Now, to all the things in between...I fluctuate. I don't buy into hot button topics like gay marriage, abortion, the death penalty, legalizing marijuana, gun control, nationalized health care, the right to die and all this other extraneous bullshit that focuses your attention away from the lawmakers and bureaucratic fat cats..and all the shit they get away with. (which they have been doing since our country started--Look up the corrupt bargain of 1824)

These social programs are becoming too nit-picky for my tastes. It seems that some of these issues fall under the Liberty umbrella of our constitutional rights and are inarguable.

So, now I intend to express my sometimes inflammatory views on some of these hot topics for the purpose of airing the views of a moderate centrist libertarian (or by another test neo-progressive liberal). Whatever the hell that means.

War - Only fight people who attack us. Period. 3rd world country is poisoning its citizens? Then you hit them in their pocketbook. Cease all trade and publicly condemn them. We don't do business with dictators or murderers. Always conduct ourselves as the most morally upright, ideological, and tolerant country; look for every opportunity to be diplomatic but do not interact with governments that suppress or terrorize its citizens. When forced to act, we act hard.

This guy had the right idea:

When we are attacked, we should do so with the most utmost force possible and utterly wipe out any trace of the enemy...and three generations removed from it, if possible. Level buildings, kill women, children, old people, poison their water, scatter white phosphorous and acid over the entire landscape. Wipe. Them. Off. The. Face. Of. The. Earth. We should be feared for our resolve to do what is necessary to end conflict at any human cost. THAT is shock and awe. If we are attacked by terrorists and they hide in countries that are tolerant, then throw bombs at those countries until they cough them up. Cut off trade and resources. Starve them or turn their country into glass. Who gives a shit what people think. If they don't like it then they shouldn't every try anything but will know that we will never attack them if unprovoked. This has been done before and new civilizations rose from the ashes of dead ones.

Patriotism - Does not mean to support your president or government no matter what. Challenge and question your government. They represent you and if they are not doing a good job of it, vote them out. It shouldn't matter which party they are. If they are doing a good job, keep them in. If voting doesn't work, start a PAC, a volunteer group, do whatever it takes to make sure your voice is heard. If that doesn't work, then you have done all you can. The last resort is "pitch forks and torches". The two party system is an exercise in mind control. A choice between A and B is not working for everyone anymore and we should have access to more choices.

Foreign policy - Non-interventionism. Promote trade and like relationships with countries who share our ideals. Never do business with those who wish to do us harm or our friends harm. If they threaten our friends, then our friends can ask us for help. Staying out of other people's business means that no one will hate you because of our friends. If we can't fix stuff at home then we can do nothing for the rest of the World, anyway.

Abortion - the topic that never dies (no pun intended). To me, this is obvious. Abortion, despite its ghastly imagery, is actually a benefit to society. Why? Without going into classism, it serves as voluntary population control. It lowers crime, poverty, and prevents future generations that could become dependent on our already floundering social welfare programs that we all have to pay for.
The Republicans wave their morality flags for the causes of unborn voters to do nothing more than show the world how their spirituality drives them to save every last baby from the clutches of evil, greedy doctors and selfish, irresponsible women. To this, I say that when the Republicans (or the Moral Right) get off their ass and stop hunger, poverty, and houselessness; end all wars unless retaliatory to an attack, support social welfare programs (ONLY if they are temporary), and champion the abstinence program (the same way they championed the D.A.R.E programs in the 80s). THEN they have a right to save every fetus in America. I find it grossly immoral and illogical to disallow hard-working illegal immigrants the right to work in our country while contributing to our economy yet unwilling to understand the consequences of bringing a baby into this world who would be doomed to live their life that wasn't wanted in the first place. Is it better to have Americans leech off our system forever or immigrants to do so temporarily? That doesn't sound very republican. It sounds like hypocritical evangelism in politics.
The Democrat standpoint to me is, as much as I hate to say it, correct. It is a woman's right to choose what she does with her body. If she so chooses (or in some cases does not choose) to get pregnant, then she has the right to terminate that pregnancy and live with the emotional consequences of that decision. The woman's right to choose only affects that woman and her family. Dissolving that right means that her inability to choose affects society and the economy as a whole. I would prefer not to be affected by eliminating a woman's right to choose whether or not she carries her fetus to term. Politicians stir this stuff up to get votes out of independents or minorities; demographics they do not currently own.

As of 2006, there were over 500,000 kids in foster care, half of them living with strangers. How many people have seen enough Law and Order episodes involving foster kids?

Gay Marriage - To me, this is utterly stupid. There is no language, anywhere, that gays should not be allowed to marry. Marriage is about spending the rest of your life in a monogamous relationship with the person you love. There is no sanctity of marriage and there never has been. You can get married in a freaking drive-thru chapel, for fuck's sake. Please refer to one of the Babylonian codes of Law pertaining to divorce:

"137
If a man wish to separate from a woman who has borne him children, or from his wife who has borne him children: then he shall give that wife her dowry, and a part of the usufruct of field, garden, and property, so that she can rear her children. When she has brought up her children, a portion of all that is given to the children, equal as that of one son, shall be given to her. She may then marry the man of her heart."

"138
If a man wishes to separate from his wife who has borne him no children, he shall give her the amount of her purchase money and the dowry which she brought from her father's house, and let her go."

Gays and Lesbians have had to hide their love for hundreds of years and I don't see how it would demean marriage any further. The main reason why homosexuality is considered a sin is because of the Romans, I can bet money on it. Don't tell me anything different. That story about men wanting to fuck male angels is terrible.
Republicans choose to use the moral argument, again, here and it really makes me sick. I'll change my tune when a married, gay congressman goes for a "hike on the Appalachian Trail".
Liberals, I hate to admit it, are correct. This falls under the "All men are created equal" bit. Clearly, homosexual males fall under this category. Politicians stir this stuff up to get votes out of independents or minorities; demographics they do not currently own.

The Death Penalty - Should there be a federal death penalty? No. Why? BECAUSE IT DOESN'T FUCKING SCARE PEOPLE! If you wanted to control crime and REALLY wanted to deter criminals, then you do cruel and unusual public executions. Draw and quartering, hanging, firing squad, hang them in a cage until they die. THESE types of things prevent most people from committing acts of crime against other citizens. The punishment should fit the crime if the defendant is found guilty in a just and legal court of Law. The problem with the Law nowadays is that it is too soft and too hard in all the most wrong places. It is very important to note that the death penalty directly contradicts traditional moral laws. Especially the laws established by God on the top of Mount Sinai. Don't even get me started on this asshole who stole that little girl and raped her for 18 years in his backyard. Words can't describe the punishment that sick fuck should get.

But a picture can:

Legalizing Marijuana - Not going here. Alcohol and gambling are legal. Case closed. Politicians stir this stuff up to get votes out of independents or minorities; demographics they do not currently own.

Gun Control - oh, boy....Ok, so when the 2nd amendment was established it was in reference to raising and arming a militia for the purpose of defense against a tyrannical government. Also, it was a means for citizens to protect themselves against outside threats when an organized police system and/or military were non-existent. The army that defeated the British were mainly comprised of land/slave owners who formed militias to take on the British Army. That being said, I believe the entire purpose of allowing an armed populace is to deter tyrannical governments from descending into totalitarianism or despotism. Socialism is not equal to those. When someone refers to Socialism or Nazism, they really mean totalitarianism, authoritarianism, or despotism. These forms of government embody the traditional "enemies" of democracy. In a state where the government fears retaliation from it's citizens (who hold power in a democracy), it should be deterred from those kinds of structures. Plainly said---a populace who lives in fear can be controlled. There is no support, in my opinion, of the idea that no guns means no crime. This argument has been made, ad nauseum, so I wont go there. However, I will say that wanting to license and register gun owners every 4 years and giving the attorney general to authorize unwarranted searches of gun shops and citizen's homes is an invasion of your rights. That's what the British did to the colonies. The government doesn't need to know how many guns a person has. We don't know how many guns the Armed Forces has even though we pay for them. What's fair is fucking fair. Politicians stir this stuff up to get votes out of independents or minorities; demographics they do not currently own.

Nationalized Health Care--another hot button issue that has not been resolved since the turn of the century. A quick fix? Eliminate insurance companies. Why is insurance required for everything? If I don't have five hundred dollars to go to the hospital, I certainly don't have that to pay as a deductible. Government-provided health care only works if the entire populace has to be homogeneous. Why? Otherwise you will need to have a plan that covers EVERYTHING. We asked for every immigrant and their genetic makeups to come here and breed. On top of that, half of us are obese and not taking care of ourselves. The problem isn't health care, it's health awareness. John Mackey hit the nail on the head. Hell, up until a few years ago I thought I was immortal. Having a few stitches and putting on 50 pounds changes that outlook. So take my genetic history, for example: high blood pressure, thyroid issues, diabetes, cancer, heart disease, arteriosclerosis, strokes, bi-polar disorder, manic-depressive disorder, ADHD, multiple personality disorder, dysthymia, and accident prone-ism. Sheesh. While the Constitution does not guarantee life. It guarantees the pursuit of life. You are free to carry on with your life as you see fit. I should not be made responsible for your inability to maintain your health, eat right, and "write checks that your body can't cash". It's not fair. Just like with the mortgage bailouts---it wasn't fair that people who kept up on their mortgages despite the economy had to pay, with their taxes, to keep other people in their homes. The American Dream gives you the RIGHT to pursue your life, liberty, and happiness but it doesn't guarantee it nor does it give you that right at the expense of someone else's. Being an American should not remove consequences from your decision making. Lastly, we are a bunch of fat, lazy, self-absorbed pricks, we don't exercise our rights as consumers, cutting off the lifesblood of corrupt companies by boycotting. Listen--One dude named Spurlock made a movie for 50,000 dollars and forced McDonalds to carry salads and better communicate their nutritional information. ONE DUDE! Imagine if we went after these companies who kill us off everyday...and the lawyers who defend them or sue for huge amounts in malpractice suits. The problem is the health care system but providing health care for us all will not fix the problem. We are the problem.

The Right to Die - There was a time when the in firmed or the elderly walked out in the woods to die. What happened? Gotta keep the voters alive? 'Nuff said.

The Economy - we are in a capitalist system. Succeed or die. Not every business started out big. Furthermore, businesses fail. Other businesses take their place. If you believe in evolution then this should not be a problem to you. Just because someone loses their job, it doesn't mean they will never work again. It's not fair to bailout companies who are poorly managed. But, then again, that's how your political heroes run things for themselves so there should be no surprise that's what they would do for the companies who pad their wallets. The truth is that there is no such thing as economic equality. If you want that, then you want socialism, really. Wealth re-distribution takes away your right to succeed and reap the benefits of your hard work. While it may take care of those less fortunate (or hard working), socialism also forces people to accept that there is a glass ceiling for everyone and there is no need to apply yourself or over-achieve. Also, in our economy, there is no Law that says rich people should give portions of their money to the less fortunate. They are already being taxed. If their taxes are not being applied accordingly, then you have your government to blame.

Now here is where I will lose the majority of most of the people who might ever read this:

I acknowledge that I am cynical. I also acknowledge they my recently "diagnosed" misanthropic personality fuels my distrust of the government and most people. But the U.S. Government is not interested in doing what is right for the sake of doing what is right. The U.S. Government has its own agenda and you are not a part of it. Obama or Bush, it doesn't matter. These guys are figureheads and the real power brokers of Washington are hidden. It's not the Illuminati, it's not the Freemasons, it's not the Socialists. The people that are trying to change our country are multi-national banks, financial institutions, and groups with immense wealth. Money is not the prize. It is power over everyone.

The only way to eliminate corruption in gov't is to start over with new people every 30 years. Our Constitution was written to give us direction and guidance when building our nation. The modern American gov't is watering down this document until it can't be recognized. The American public is only interested in what goes on in their backyards. It's not about whats right, it's about what they believe is right. Just because people believe and support your opinion or your belief, that does not mean you are right. If people continue to pay attention to corporate-sponsored media outlets, they will not see the changes coming until it's too late. I know I sound crazy, but to be crazy now is to be prepared for the worst later.

Start preparing yourself for the worst. I'd rather be wrong and prepared.

Thanks for doing your best to stay tuned in. Politics isnt an easy topic. I really wanted to see how much discussion can be generated from this post. It's too easy to label and ignore. That is why our country is where it is today.